If the Buddha Got Stuck_ A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path - Charlotte Sophia Kasl [44]
To make room for something new to happen in your life is to see without filters. You can ignite the spark of fresh ideas and aliveness within your body when you step out of the shadow of the past. You take off a veil of tired old reactions and patterns and step into the reality of the moment. It might be to see unhappiness; it might be to see a new possibility or realize someone cares about you. It will definitely broaden your view and free you to experience awe and wonder at this incredible universe.
25. Notice the Stories You Tell Yourself
You can’t heal a story.
—STEPHEN WOLINSKY
Buddhism teaches us to be aware of the stories we tell ourselves. Stories are usually about the past or center around wishful thinking. They take us into our heads and stop us from being in our current experience with our feelings and emotions. It’s like commenting on life rather than living it.
Because is a common word in many stories. “I can’t swim because someone scared me when I was a child.” “I don’t push myself because I didn’t want to outshine my family.” “I can’t lose weight because I’m afraid of intimacy.” The internal response to such statements could well be, “How do you know! What have you tried?”
Another kind of story is talking about how we’d like life to be, rather than how it is. Shoulds and I want are common in these stories. “I don’t think this relationship should be so hard. I want us to be relaxed and not get upset with each other. It’s silly that we fight so much.” But the truth is, if you are fighting and the relationship is difficult, you need to say so and acknowledge the pain before anything can change. You need to move into current time—fear, anxiety, and all—and say what’s in your heart, what has you worried, what you are scared about. When you relate at this level you will be much closer to experiencing yourself and engaging in a real way with the other person. It is only from this place that relationships can change.
Similarly, if you are afraid of doing something, for example, swimming, drop the story and take action. Walk to the water’s edge with a swimming teacher or a friend and take a step into the water, then another, then another, anxiety and all. Or admit to yourself you’re really stumped about losing weight, and realize you need help.
Simply said, we drop the story and come into the whole truth of the present moment with all our feelings, fears, and experience. This frees us to move to a next step rather than staying locked into a tired old story that’s either a fantasy or about past time.
You can also notice how your stories can stop you from feeling joy or happiness. Many people get scared at the fullness and expansiveness of joy and try to push it away by jumping out of the experience and into a story. Instead of feeling awe at a glorious sunset, they distance themselves with a torrent of words or, even more removed, they bring up some problem they are having, or suddenly say, “Time to go now.” Any form of strong energy, be it joy or sorrow, has the potential to shake loose parts of us that are hiding. It’s like a big wind blowing through us. To get unstuck is to invite the wind in.
One way I work with couples to get out of the story and into their connection is to have them face each other holding on to the end of a cord while keeping gentle eye contact and attuning to the other’s breathing until they are breathing in the same rhythm. This often relaxes people and brings out tears or smiles and a sense of connection. It can also be scary, and one person might want to pull away. “Why are we doing this? We came here for therapy.” But it is being in the experience together that often leads to a deepening of connection, to bringing on tenderness and ease.
When Martin Luther King, Jr., said that “unconditional love will have the final word in reality,” he touched on a basic truth: that beneath our