If the Buddha Got Stuck_ A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path - Charlotte Sophia Kasl [43]
Part of seeing clearly in the present involves seeing the past clearly too. Most families span the continuum from goodness to insensitivity, to neglect, to harm. For some it is heavily weighted at one end or the other. The first step is to recognize the conclusions you still hold from the distant past: people are dangerous. I am helpless. People are kind. I’m unlovable. I’m a loser. People won’t like me if I have a strong opinion. It’s not safe to love. The second step is to recognize those patterns of belief that feel so real, but not to be controlled by them. The third step is to come into present time and ask yourself, “What will help improve my life right now? How can I walk through these feelings of fear, uncertainty, or doubt and do something new, real, and true?”
Many people resist this exploration because it takes effort and a willingness to let go of long-held interpretations that feel “normal.” This journey is about pulling the rug out from under all concepts of “how it is.” I love the expression “it blows your mind.” That’s exactly what happens as we free ourselves—we let a fresh breeze sweep out the chambers of the mind so old thoughts disintegrate, leaving a spaciousness that allows something new to happen. We stop being glued to rigid, outdated beliefs.
Letting go in this way can feel unsettling and leave us wondering who we are. Our internal experience feels unfamiliar when we’re not quite so tightly held together. Also, our emotional experience can change dramatically with unfamiliar feelings arising and falling in new rhythms. If we can just hang out with our experience and let ourselves be astonished and then changed, we will start getting unstuck in every part of our being. The willingness to be unsure, uncomfortable, and unknowing opens the road to freedom.
Many people fear strong feelings as if they were something ferocious, threatening, or too much to bear. When we were children this may have been true, but when we label feelings as bad, dangerous, and overwhelming as adults, we experience them as inner chaos, and our well-conditioned nervous system wants to jump into action to get away from them. We blame others or make up excuses and stories and explanations. “You made me feel this way.” “It must have been a lesson for my growth.” “It’s providence.” “It’s my karma.” “Everything happens for a reason.” While these thoughts might be comforting, they take us out of reality and away from our actual experience. We make human connections through a deeply felt presence, not through thoughts.
People also keep on their rose-colored glasses because they are deeply afraid of seeing the truth. For example, many people believe that if their parents were cruel to them it means that as a child they really were unlovable, worthless, or bad. They also believe that if they acknowledge the cruelty of their parents or others, it follows that they should hate them or have nothing to do with them. Then they often believe that if they see the current truth—my relationship is lousy, I hate this job—they have to do something about it immediately, other wise they are imperfect.
All three of these beliefs reflect fallacies that keep us stuck. If your parents were negligent or abusive, it means nothing about you—they were acting out of their past interpretations and filters. If you accept that your parents were harmful, unskillful, and insensitive, you can experience your rage and sorrow and grief about it without hating them.
If you allow yourself to see the reality of a troubled relationship or job, you can move to action: talk about it, get help, or decide to stay for a while and create a survival plan. Avoid the formulas for how you