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By Root 1050 0

willing to come to the table with all your brothers and sisters—rich, poor, Muslim, Jew, Buddhist, Christian, lesbian, heterosexual—you will go far deeper into yourself than through any book or lecture. To simply sit and listen with the intention of attuning to another person’s world is to build the most important bridge we humans can ever cross. Knowing dissolves into caring, and caring dissolves into love. We create a shield against violence and tap into our humanity, where we find the seeds of generosity and care.

Once we’re willing to recognize the differences, we will naturally experience the similarities. All people have families, we all suffer loss and have to cope with the looming reality of death. All people want to feel cared for, to be free of suffering, and to be happy. I end this section as I started it, with a quote from Martin Luther King, Jr.:

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality.

STEP FIVE

Connect with Others,

Connect with Life

32. Experience the Four Abodes of Loving Relationships

And in the sweetness of friendship let

there be laughter and sharing of pleasures.

For in the dew of little things the heart

finds its morning and is refreshed.

—KAHLIL GIBRAN, THE PROPHET

In Buddhism, the Four Divine Abodes, known as the Brahma Viharas or Four Noblest Qualities of Mind, can be related to the boundless, immeasurable, restorative qualities that lie at the heart of loving relationships. They are:

Loving kindness and friendliness,

Compassion and empathy,

Joy and rejoicing,

Equanimity and peace of mind

These qualities are at the heart of our ability to feel trust, love, ease, and peace of mind in all our relationships. Think of times when a comment or words of encouragement became a catalyst for change. Think of a time when you were able to take on a difficult situation, knowing you had an understanding friend or loved one cheering for you. Remember times when a kind word or gesture or friendliness and warmth of someone helped you get past feeling bad about yourself.

Think about community projects undertaken by various groups of people that helped improve the community or created resources for less advantaged people. Think of the themes or titles of popular songs that touch you in a special way: “You are my sunshine.” “You’re my everything.” “I only live for the touch of your hand.” “It’s paradise to be near you.” “Because of you my life is now worthwhile, and I can smile because of you.” “When you go away it’s a rainy day.”

I used to think of these words as a lot of “codependent” drivel. Yet, I wondered, why do popular songs touch us so deeply that we listen to them over and over? Why do I often request “Someone to Watch Over Me,” and feel myself melting inside, or feel my childhood camp song, “White wings, they never grow weary, they carry me tenderly over the sea”? Then it dawned on me that these are “attachment” songs. A mother’s smile is like sunshine to a baby. Paradise is being tenderly held, comforted, and smiled at. A child literally comes into existence through being seen, and responded to. Without human connection children disconnect, start building walls, and in extreme cases can die. Our need for attachment and connection may shift with time, but that fundamental desire for bonding with a loving person is fully human and real and a lifelong need.

There is a paradox between the language of Buddhism and the language of Western psychology with regards to the concept of attachment. For Buddhists, attachment refers to clinging and demanding and is a source of our suffering. But attachment is used in psychology to describe a life-giving healthy relationship between a parent and child. In other words, we say a child is well bonded or attached to a parent. This means the child feels secure, cared for, at ease, and trusting that his or her needs will be met. It connotes the picture of a baby in the arms of a highly attuned parent—usually the mother—being adored and delighted in, exchanging smiles, coos, and making