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We often hear that as we mature we should be less dependent and more autonomous. I would say we need to be more skillful at cooperating, giving and receiving from each other, and learning how to be deeply connected to others while maintaining our own sense of self. Separation is the essential cause of anxiety, connection is the great healer. Supportive loving relationships are like good food: they give us the strength to take on challenges, heal emotional scars, or solve difficult problems.

In the journey of breaking free, it helps to become aware of how deeply intertwined we are with each other. Think back to times when someone was kind, loving, or especially friendly to you, particularly when you were in need. Notice how your body feels right now as you bring up the memories. I immediately feel a soothing warmth when I think of the encouraging words of a favorite piano teacher, or being snuggled up to Grandma while she read to me. We live in each other in a myriad of ways—body, mind, and spirit. Every moment of empathy, understanding, kindness, and encouragement that flows between us is like the milk and honey of human existence, softening our hearts, soothing our nervous systems, bridging our sense of separateness.

33. Create a Safe Shelter for Each Other

We can do together what we can never do alone. Relationships can help us laugh, gain perspective, and give us the impetus to stretch our wings and get unstuck.

Reach Out, Reach Back

The people I interviewed who generally stayed unstuck all knew how to ask for and receive help, cheer for each other, and have fun together. Many were part of a supportive community in which there were built-in channels for getting help; others had the resources of friends and family. Their comments often echoed Jesus of Nazareth’s words: “When I was hungry, you fed me; . . . when I was naked, you clothed me; . . . when I was sick you visited me.” (Matthew 25: 35–36.) In other words, I was in need and you came to me. Feeling safe in life means you can reach out for help when you are in need and someone will reach back and take your hand.

In a training on attachment therapy with couples, Susan M. Johnson presented this scenario. “Imagine yourself in a long dark tunnel. A dragon is coming your way, getting closer and closer. You’re backed against the wall: there’s no where to run. What does it feel like?” How you survive in that tunnel depends on whether or not you have someone standing beside you, holding your hand, helping you take on the fearful dragon. She continued, “We’re all up against the wall in that tunnel, facing the dragon of death.”

When we can find rest and delight in each other, and take each other into our hearts, we open to a deep source of calming, healing, and joy. The following quotes reflect aspects of the Buddha’s Four Divine Abodes of loving relationships: loving, kindness and friendliness, compassion and empathy, joy and rejoicing, equanimity and peace of mind.

“The day I finished a year-long project, I called some friends to meet me at a restaurant and celebrate. Twelve people showed up. What a joy!”

“I can count on my friend Pat to tell me when I’m getting off base—she never takes sides when I’m talking about my difficult relationship. She listens and tells me how she’s acted like my partner and gives me insight into myself.”

“I was wanting a new challenge and outlet when I turned fifty. A friend was willing to show me how to backpack in the mountains and take river canoe trips. She helped a fantasy become reality.”

“My church group helped me with child care when I was ill.”

“My husband surprised me on our anniversary with a weekend getaway at a cabin. He arranged child care and even packed my bags.”

Let Loving Relationships Heal Trauma

Come unto me and I shall give you rest.

—JESUS OF NAZARETH

The power of supportive relationships is reflected in our growing understanding of the legacy of trauma. As Susan Johnson teaches, “Being isolated and alone when we are faced with unbearable pain, terror or torment is itself