If the Buddha Got Stuck_ A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path - Charlotte Sophia Kasl [55]
Conversely, one of the greatest predictors of healing from trauma is the ability to ask for and receive comfort and care. This reciprocal flow is more important than the nature and extent of past trauma. Authentic connections can take many forms: friendliness, helping, holding, listening, adventure, playing, celebrating, and humor. It takes courage to reach through old beliefs about not trusting people and risk making the connections, but it is key for everyone.
The concept of healthy attachment goes against the belief that you have to be “whole” to have a relationship and suggests that you become more whole through loving relationships, even when there is a history of trauma. Just like infants, our bodies relax and our internal systems organize and flow together when we are greeted with a smile, a warm hello, and outstretched arms. Just like infants, we too feel distressed and become internally disorganized when we are met with a blank face, criticism, or indifference. While as adults we have more internal resources to handle cold or troubling resources, we still are affected by them, especially when they persist over time.
If we have a secure base of care and support it lives within us on a daily basis. Conversely, when we perceive ourselves as cut off and alone, our bodies and mind will experience chronic stress and agitation. Martie spoke of a recent situation with her partner. “I was getting more and more agitated from the clutter and stacks of stuff around the house. Yesterday I was about to lose it. Instead of meeting my frantic state with criticism or disgust, my partner said kindly, ‘Martie, what can I do for you?’ She brought me coffee and toast, sat down beside me, hugged me and said, ‘It’s okay, I can help you. Where would you like to start?’ ” Tears shone in Martie’s eyes as she talked. “That was so wonderful . . . not to be put down for how frantic I get. To be met with understanding. I could feel my whole body calming down. I felt so close to Judy—so loved.”
Judy’s response illustrates the Buddhist principle of loving kindness—meeting her beloved with understanding and care, instead of being caught up in her swirl of frustration or fear. When we can rest securely in our own world, and reach out into the tornado of other people’s worries and dramas, without falling in, we become a source of healing.
Expanding our concept of connection, if we think of our relationships as one big relationship—that is, the way we walk in the world, with kindness, respect, and friendliness toward all—we will heal the fractures within us and between us. There is no hierarchy of human worth because it is all one life, one people, one water, one breath moving through time and space.
Come Together in Community
Sangha, one of the Three Jewels of Buddhism, means coming together as a community of like-minded people to know one another, give support, and do spiritual practices together. It can be as simple as gathering regularly at someone’s home to meditate, have a discussion, and sit for tea. Any group in which you’re getting to know one another, giving support, and deepening awareness can be sangha. Native American women traditionally made talking circles; my grandmother was a member of a book chat club for thirty years; consciousness-raising groups abounded in the late sixties. Recently, a woman at my Quaker meeting announced she was starting a spiritual nurturing group—nearly all the women in the meeting signed up in spite of busy lives and full schedules. Many people find life-giving connections in peace and justice organizations or contributing to their community in some way.
When we have a flow of connections that provide care and support, we build up a reservoir of resilience, like money in the emotional bank that filters through our days and sustains us in difficult times. Just as children thrive with loving kindness from a caregiver,