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34. Mirror Mirror, Who Am I? Know Yourself Through Relationships

While relationships can be liberating, they can also become a quagmire. This is understandable because everything within us—conscious and unconscious—comes into play in close relationships. Our childhood fears of being abandoned, our neediness, our sense of entitlement, or the unspoken anger at our parents often comes flying to the surface. In other words, whatever has been stuck within us finds its way to the surface in relationships, especially in our more intimate relationships.

In this way, relationships are like mirrors constantly reflecting, affecting, and permeating our being. We meet our dragons and celebrate our gifts in a relationship. We see our shame through the secrets we keep, our fears in the lies we tell, our anger in the ways we become impatient, break agreements, hold back, or seduce others. We experience our generosity when we forget ourselves and care for another, our steadfastness when we stay connected through conflict, our tenderness in grieving with a friend, our playfulness in a shared adventure.

It’s kind of like the old carnival funhouse mirrors that distort your image. Some mirrors make you tall, others fat, all change your shape. We often feel very different around different people because everyone is a different mirror.

What does the mirror teach me? If I suddenly feel afraid around someone, am I picking up their fear or tapping into mine, or both? This can require some sorting out. If you are usually relaxed around people but have a sudden flash of fear around a particular person it might signal you are attuning to something that’s being hidden, or possibly anger that lies just beneath the surface that might erupt if you press their limits or challenge their story line. It’s different matter if you are afraid of nearly everyone—in that case, you need to notice thoughts that jump to mind automatically when you’re interacting with others.

Getting close to the mirror may also penetrate our hearts and bring forth tenderness, strength, and kindness we didn’t know we had. We have a sudden urge to bring flowers to a friend who is suffering, to create something to amuse her; to sing a song, read a poem, or voice our appreciation and delight in knowing him. We soften inside when our beloved looks at us tenderly, eyes glistening, and says, “You mean so much to me.” In return we soften and feel that tender spot in our hearts that had once grown cold.

We hear a great deal about how much we learn through suffering, but I believe we learn even more through love because it frees the heart. When people love us more than we believe we deserve, we get scared or thrown off center. How can this be, how can I receive this? I’m so undeserving. But if for a moment we allow the care and tenderness of another to soak deep into our being, we might feel a small crack in the shield around our heart. As the protective barrier dissolves, we feel our tears along with our joy. Kindness and care have an immense power to transform and heal.

35. Find the Wisdom That Flows Between Your Heart and Mind

The head is capable of amassing knowledge and information, but when the head, body, and heart become attuned and flow together we find wisdom. This provides a resource for making decisions that goes beyond the intelligence of the mind alone. This flow from head to heart extends to the rest of the body so we are operating as a congruent whole, a being instead of fragmented parts. Candace Pert, in Molecules of Emotions, writes about being attuned to the incredible web of receptors throughout the body: “We gain a sense of being rooted, steady, able to trust our perceptions and make wise decisions. Our perceptual field expands tremendously. Our decisions are supported by love, kindness, concern for others, mindfulness of the long-term effects on people and the environment.” Over the years I’ve led numerous guided imageries into the heart in which