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EXERCISE:

Notice Your Conversational Habits

Pick one aspect of listening or relating you would like to work on and keep a journal on a daily basis. When recalling a situation note how your body felt at the time. For example, most people become aware of revving up inside as they are about to assure the other person, give advice, state an opinion, or talk about their similar experience. Also notice how you feel with silence in a conversation. Here are some specific qualities that usually block connection. You might choose one or more of the following or create your own.

Notice when you take someone away from strong feelings by getting analytical or making up reasons for another person, such as, “What day did that happen?” “Maybe it’s because . . .”

Notice when you want to assure someone he or she is okay. “It’s okay”; “You shouldn’t worry”; “It happens to lots of people.”

Notice when you interrupt.

Notice when you take the conversation back to yourself.

Notice when you break eye contact for more than a brief time, or look away and feel restless.

Notice when you give advice.

Notice when you want to defend or talk someone out of their opinion.

Notice when you talk at length, going from one idea to another, and have difficulty coming to a stop. Be especially aware of your body sensations, holding your breath, and the reactions of other people around you. Some people end a sentence with “and” . . . as if waiting for a new idea to arise. Practice saying one or two sentences and stopping.

Notice when you relax, feel calm inside, and listen without feeling a need to make a quick response.

Notice when a conversation feels flowing—easy, relaxed, and natural.

39. Reach Out to Others and Feel the Space in Your Heart

We learned that service is the rent we pay for living. It is the very purpose of life and not something you do in your spare time.

—MARIAN WRIGHT EDELMAN

Healing ourselves and getting unstuck comes from creating a flow within us and between us. The Buddha taught that we are created of one and the same energy, so to become part of the flow of giving and receiving is to move into a circle of connection with all people and become a single cell in the larger body of life.

“How can I be of help?” is a deep question that taps into our strengths and allows us to share our gifts. “What do I have to give?” “What would I enjoy giving?” “What would ease someone else’s isolation or suffering?” Parents may express this with their children, it may be offered by smiling at the person at the checkout counter, by teaching English to children from another country, volunteering, helping at a shelter, getting on a board, raising money for a community organization, or walking dogs at the Humane Society.

An excitement and glow often reflect the pleasure of doing for others. For example, I’ve spoken with numerous women involved in Missoula’s first Habitat for Humanity house built completely by women. The project became a place where women could show up, learn new skills, and revel in working together. When the house was completed they held a festive, exciting, and emotional opening celebration. A group of people gathered on the tiny front lawn as a young mother and her two children stood on the porch and were handed the keys to their new home, along with a Bible. Although it was a modest house situated on a back alley, it could have been a palace to see the joy and excitement of this wonderous accomplishment created by many people with loving kindness.

As giving and receiving merge into a single flow, we realize that we are not “the other”; we are part of the whole. We take our gifts and pass them around. And receive the gifts from others.

To allow ourselves to be cared for, helped, encouraged, and taught can be a blessing for others. Just as the giver needs to give because it brings her into a fuller existence, it is a mark of our humanity to receive from others. One of our final tasks in living is to help those we’ll leave