If the Buddha Got Stuck_ A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path - Charlotte Sophia Kasl [62]
If you have trouble listening, you may be uncomfortable with feelings, have lots of judgments and strong opinions, or take the moral high ground, all of which will keep you feeling separate. You may feel anxious when someone disagrees with you or is in emotional turmoil. Notice any quick impulse to give advice, help someone out, or say, “It will be all right,” for this is usually done to quell your discomfort with uncertainty or pain. At this point, you’re not listening; you’re reacting out of your own uneasiness or need for attention.
Responding is different than reacting. A response comes from taking in what another person has said, letting it flow through you and listening for what arises within you, then relaying it back to the other person. Sometimes we primarily listen; other times we have a dialogue. True dialogue is an interactive dynamic experience, not just a reiteration of our beliefs—it feels new because we are responding to what arises in the moment while listening deeply within ourselves.
If you are tightly identified with your beliefs, it’s hard to listen and be supportive of another person. For example, Ruth, who loved her job, had planned to stay home with her new baby for six weeks before going back to work. Her friend Jill had a strong belief that mothers should stay home with their infants for at least six months. Jill felt upset with Ruth, she worried about the baby, and she found it difficult to be around Ruth. To Jill, it was not a difference of opinion—she believed that she was right and Ruth was wrong and she wanted to convince Ruth to change her plans. At this point Jill could no longer be a responsive friend because she had an agenda for Ruth.
There is a way out of this common dilemma—Jill can have her belief but let go trying to convince Ruth. In other words, the relationship stays in the forefront and her opinions recede to the background. Jill may continue to hold to her belief that it is better for mothers to stay home with children for six months, but she’s not righteous about her beliefs; she just has them and can set them aside when Ruth talks about her plans for child care. From this more relaxed state, she can even voice her opinion—once—but it won’t come across as judgmental.
If you decide to relate feelings of concern, own them as your need to be honest, so you don’t create distance. For example, Jill might say, “I need to tell you this because it’s getting in my way of feeling close to you. I really wish you’d find a way to stay home with your new baby longer because I have a strong belief that it’s better for the child. I’m saying this because I don’t want my belief to come out sideways or get in the way of our friendship. I also want to say that I wish you all the best and want to be of help no matter what you decide.”
Another way of staying connected is to avoid a simple right-wrong stance, which Jill did in the first example. Look at the whole picture: Jill can be receptive as Ruth talks about the kind of child care she has found, how much time her husband will be with the baby, the importance of her career, and even her own conflicted feelings about the situation. Jill can remember that there are many variables about good parenting.
By broadening the conversation, seeing it more as a mosaic of many colors, not just a black and white, right and wrong picture, Jill and Ruth stay in the “us” place, which is by nature an unstuck place. They can have their differences and stay friends.
If you can change one thing—cease to give advice or stop interrupting—you can dramatically change your relationships as well as