If the Buddha Got Stuck_ A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path - Charlotte Sophia Kasl [61]
Realize you are not your shame. Say to yourself, “This shame is not my essential self. It is an intruder, like toxic chemicals, pollution. It was put there when I was abused, left, hurt, shamed, seduced, teased, neglected, scolded, or not allowed to voice my thoughts or feelings.”
Think of what you don’t do for yourself because of your shame, and then give yourself the assignment of doing it anyhow. This could include standing up for yourself, expressing feelings, initiating a conversation, asking for what you need, inviting someone to get together with you. Having a feeling of mastery over yourself in current time helps counteract the old experience.
Imagine having a new response to a shameful situation. Imagine being centered, confident, and at peace with yourself in a situation that has previously triggered shame. For example, you could say to someone, “It’s not all right to talk to me like that,” or “Please ask me what you want without all the innuendos about how I did it wrong.” You could also try, “Something about this conversation doesn’t feel right, and I need to end it for now,” or “Could you tell me what you meant by that?” or even, “That feels like a shaming remark—was that your intention?”
Don’t defend against other people’s shaming remarks or comments about yourself. For example, if someone says (or implies) you are wearing a weird shirt, agree with them, “Yeah, it’s funky, I like it.” If someone says, “This cake isn’t as good as last time you made it,” reply, “I agree (if you do); it did turn out better before,” or “Really? It seems the same to me.”
If you get triggered into shame, call someone who is understanding and has a sense of humor. Keep a list by the phone because in a shame state you will probably forget that you have any friends. You might even set something up in advance. “Could I call you for support when I’m upset or feeling bad?”
Read Stephen Wolinsky’s book Quantum Consciousness, which has numerous exercises you can use to deal with shame.
Go into big mind. “I am feeling the shame of being used or hurt. I am feeling the shame of exploiting others or hurting them. I am having the human experience of feeling shame. I am not alone. There are many people feeling shame right this moment. It’s just a feeling, it will all pass.”
38. Connect by Listening: Set Your Opinions Aside, at Least for a While
What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on mutual giving from the heart.
—MARSHALL B. ROSENBERG,
NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION
Understanding is at the heart of Buddhism. In many ways it is the core of love. To be seen, known, and accepted is to feel loved. Understanding and attuning to others is a deep form of meditation, as it allows us to become a witness to another person’s world as our mind becomes quiet and our body relaxed and receptive. It’s about attunement rather than judgment, resonance rather than separation.
People who don’t listen well, who interrupt, get restless inside, want to smooth over difficulties, take the conversation back to themselves, are usually uneasy with feelings, or their ego self has its own need to be heard and validated. Thus, the ability to listen attentively is truly a measure of our inner peace.
Deep listening is a blessing and a gift to others. To listen is to let go of the self and be fully present for another person—even when they have strong feelings. When our intent is to resonate truly with what our friend is experiencing, we become bonded in the “us” place. This relates to getting unstuck because when we feel connected and seen, every system in our body calms down and feelings of alienation and separation abate. When we have resources for feeling heard, seen, and cared for, we gain the courage and curiosity to crack through our boundaries and expand our lives.
In repeatedly observing people who are “good or relaxed listeners,” I’ve noticed they say very little, while