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In Power vs. Force, David R. Hawkins calibrates the vibrational level of various emotions or levels of human consciousness, ranging from zero (dead) to 1,000 (enlightenment). He puts Gandhi at 700, the highest possible vibration for normal human consciousness. Shame, the lowest vibration, ranks at the very bottom at 20—the closest experience to being dead. With guilt, at 30, there is at least some sense that you are guilty for what you did. Hawkins goes up the vibrational scale through apathy, grief, fear, desire, anger, and pride, which have increasingly higher vibrations of energy but which he considers destructive levels of force that harm individuals, the environment, and society. Above 200, he lists qualities such as courage, neutrality, willingness, acceptance, reason, love, joy, peace, and enlightenment. I would add gratitude, compassion, and understanding to the list. Because we vary in different situations, no person is a fixed number, but we usually have a range that typifies how we live.

Shame keeps us from learning. If you’re taking music lessons, for example, and you translate every suggestion the teacher makes into, “I’m no good, I have no talent, I’ll never make it,” you are creating a lot of inner anxiety, which blocks learning. Shame is like a non-stop negative evaluator that thwarts fascination and curiosity because you’re so worried about being judged as bad or wrong. And, unfortunately, trying to prove you are smart, talented, good, and right won’t counteract it; it will just lead to inner combat.

Shame also keeps us stuck because it stops us from taking action—you don’t apply for a new job, tell your partner you’re upset, take a class, try a new venture, or value your talents because you’re afraid of feeling shame if you’re turned down (which you call rejected), you make a mistake (you’re not perfect), or if someone doesn’t want to spend time with you (they’re abandoning you).

To counter entrenched feelings of shame, some people blame, counterattack, change the subject, get defensive, make excuses, become arrogant or cruel, or exert power over others through leadership roles. They appear in charge but do great harm with little apparent understanding of their impact on others. Addictions often are a cover for a feeling of deep shame.

Ultimately, shame blocks our wisdom, care, love, creativity, and ability to relax and feel at ease.

Because shame is such a distasteful feeling, people avoid it like the plague. Here are a few people recalling their feelings of shame:

“When I was a kid I used to wish the earth would crack open and swallow me up, I felt so bad. It’s not that I wanted to die so much as I wanted to disappear.”

“I understand now that my demanding and screaming and yelling was all about covering up my shame. I felt so rotten about myself I’d make a lot of noise to drown out the feelings.”

“When my wife would say she was going to spend time with her friends, I’d get terribly jealous and try to stop her. Underneath it was shame, as if I wasn’t enough, I’d done something wrong, I wasn’t lovable.”

“My perfectionism is about shame. I’m not lovable unless I please everyone and always have the right answer. It’s as if I’ve got to perform to get love or friendship because I’m so intrinsically unlovable. The worst part is that I hate myself when I make mistakes, or am not chosen first.”

People often feel shame as a result of poverty, racism, homophobia, or sexism. As a community we alleviate shame by providing access to health care, education, decent housing, and community support. Feeling included in a safety net that treats people with respect and encouragement helps counteract feelings of exclusion and being somehow inferior, often a source of shame. We are not isolated individuals so much as communities of people in which the well-being of one affects the well-being of all.

EXERCISE:

Easing Your Feelings of Shame

Name it. Observe it. When you feel shame, say to yourself some version of the following: “There’s the feeling of shame. What happened or what did I say to myself before