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By Root 989 0

three such relationships I said to myself, ‘Okay, that’s it! I don’t care if I feel dazzled, turned on, charmed, and my hormones are going wild with attraction. If I see such a person, I’ll turn and walk away.’ It was very difficult, like pulling back from a force field that had a huge pull. But as I kept doing it I felt relieved, as if there was an adult in charge, protecting me. Eventually (a couple years later), I could stand back and see the seduction game and I didn’t even feel tempted to go there. This was also a lonely period because I wasn’t attracted to the nice guys who liked me and wanted to be with me—they weren’t exciting enough.

“Finally, in looking deeper into myself I saw how much of a little girl I was by wanting someone to charm me, take care of me, and protect me. Eventually I met a man who clearly wanted to be with me. He was reliable and fun, and I didn’t have chronic knots in my stomach. The hardest part was to see him as a fallible human being—a peer, an equal. I didn’t get to be a little girl with the perfect man . . . well, daddy. A true connection developed and it became a warm-hearted, treasured relationship.”

It’s helpful to understand the differences bet ween impulse, attraction, and a balanced response to someone. If you’ve had difficulty forming reciprocal relationships, remember that impulse or strong attraction is often one part of yourself reacting to a person. While happy, enduring relationships usually have a strong component of physical attraction, if you’re someone with a history of troubled relationships, you’ll probably make far better choices when you combine heart, body, hormones, interest, and your rational mind. It’s like the committee of who you are making the decision, not just one part taking over. For example, a person may be a good fit in terms of interests, but there is no sexual attraction. That’s fine if you’re friends, but a sad story when it becomes a long-term sexless marriage. Conversely, there may be raging hormones but little else to hold you together.

As you are creating a circle of friends and lovers, reach out, join in the dance, bring your wisest self into the conversation, be willing to reflect on yourself, and go toward that which helps you find out what a precious jewel you are.

To quote the Sufi poet Hafiz,

We have not come here to take prisoners,

But to surrender ever more deeply to freedom and joy . . .

Run my dear,

from anything

that may not strengthen

Your precious budding wings . . .

For we have not come here to take prisoners

Or to confine our wondrous spirits

But to experience ever and ever more deeply

Our divine courage, freedom, and Light!

37. Why Do I Freeze Up and Go Silent? Move Beyond the Separating Power of Shame

Shame is a great paralyzer. To become unstuck we need to explore this troublesome feeling. When people are left, excluded, shunned, or abused, they often slide into persistent shame, which can result in depression, isolation, anxiety, and illness.

Shame is a mired down, wretched feeling that arises in response to believing we are intrinsically bad, worthless, and defective. It can become a visceral, hardwired reaction that stems from having been humiliated, degraded, embarrassed, and diminished into an object for someone else’s use. Shame is like an old experience ready to be resurrected when someone talks or responds to you in a way that echoes an earlier shaming situation. For example, if someone in the past frequently implied or referred to you as stupid, feelings of shame can be instantly triggered in current time when anyone so much as implies you’ve done something wrong. When this happens, you are basically reliving an experience from the past and falling into a child state. The reaction is often a wish to disappear, hide, punish yourself, retaliate, defend, or give up on yourself. When this happens, we tend to avert our eyes, blush, collapse in the chest, close the heart, isolate, and sometimes slink away as if in disgrace. The flow within the body becomes constricted.