If the Buddha Got Stuck_ A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path - Charlotte Sophia Kasl [58]
Another aspect of pleasurable relationships is the willingness to reveal yourself; that is, talk about both your rough and smooth spots. Some people find this scary—they tell themselves, “If I’m myself she might not like me.” That may be true, but think of the experience as collecting data. You’re finding out whether or not a person can be real with you, handle differences, and support your best self. If you are a tender, poetic soul and present yourself as Mr. Strong Success, then what happens when the mask falls off? Truth in packaging is a much better approach. Be your tender self, bring a rose, tell her you’re anxious, and see what happens. This is the only way to create an I-Thou rather than an I-Other relationship.
It’s important to be aware of self-deception. Making excuses about someone’s behavior and hoping he or she will change signals that you are not living in current time. You need to bring yourself into reality and ask yourself, “What’s true right now about this person?” Could you accept this person without an agenda for him or her to change?
If you find yourself rationalizing about a relationship, stop and explore your underlying feelings. Here are some common rationalizations people use to avoid honesty in a relationship. Remember, truth is the starting point for affection, connection, and love.
She has a cold exterior but I know deep down she has the potential for loving.
I feel sorry for her, she really needs my help.
He’s had a hard life.
I’ll be taken care of if we’re together.
She has so much potential.
We’re soul mates.
You can’t just walk away from people.
The sex was so magical.
I’m not perfect either.
I don’t know what I’d do alone. It’s not so bad. He doesn’t hit me.
To stay in reality, ask yourself, “What’s true today?” Notice mushy sentimental feelings of wanting to be the rescuing angel. This is not a good basis for a relationship, and rescuers usually find themselves being left eventually. No one wants to feel indebted to another forever. Avoid deluding yourself by thinking that if you are kind enough, sweet enough, good enough, or smart enough you can change another person. Such a plan starts you out on uneven footing, with you in the superior position. So often people will ask, “What can I do to get through to him? How can I get him to understand?” In Buddhism we turn the questions on ourselves and ask, “What am I really feeling? Why do I expect someone who is usually shut down emotionally suddenly to be expressive? Am I avoiding the grief I will feel if I leave?”
Relationships can’t be “fixed” unilaterally. It takes two people willing to become open and seen by the other. It’s like creating a dance in which you both lead and follow. You cherish each other’s foibles, you laugh at the stories you concoct, and see the humanness in each other.
It may take some internal rewiring to break the old patterns of going to people who are unavailable or harmful. You may have to walk away from your initial impulses and call on your rational mind to assist you. Remember that when you combine head and heart you come closer to wisdom.
Melinda told this story: “I went through a period of being attracted to charming, bright, emotionally withholding men who’d appear to care and then disappear. I think most of them had an alcohol or marijuana problem or were unable to commit. Initially, their charm and friendliness tapped a longing to feel loved that was incredibly powerful. It was like falling under a spell in which I lost hold of reality. I’d feel miserable waiting for them to call or worrying if they really cared. When we were together it was sometimes wonderful and other times they were distant. I usually had a knot in the pit of my stomach.
“After suffering through