If the Buddha Got Stuck_ A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path - Charlotte Sophia Kasl [90]
Leaping into space is a paradox of both going somewhere and going nowhere. We are going nowhere because there is nowhere to go. There’s just the awakening of this moment.
Tung-shan asked: “Where are you going?”
Pen-shi answered: “I’m going to a changeless place.”
Tung-shan said: “If it’s a changeless place you won’t be going there.”
Pen-chi replied: “Going is also changeless.”
—TSAO-SHAN,THE ROARING STREAM
55. Give Up a Timetable for Letting Go, Then Take Action
Letting go happens in its own time. We can be dedicated to our daily practice of inner attunement in whatever form it takes—meditation, exercise, journaling, music, movement, or quiet time and watch with fascination as life takes its course. We can go to a therapist, or a support group and read about forgiveness, but sometimes hurt, resentment, fear, or pain seem to cling. We can’t will the stuck places to release at any given moment. Paradoxically, many people find a way to let go through their actions as opposed to hoping, praying, or wishing something would stop haunting them.
For example, Laura worked as an executive in a tall office building in midtown Manhattan. She became increasingly upset when the security guard by the elevator appeared hostile and unresponsive to her friendly hellos. Laura’s head started swimming with negative thoughts about herself: “Why doesn’t he like me? What have I done wrong?” As weeks went by, her whole body would tense up as she walked into the building. She chided herself, “Why am I letting this bother me so much? I’m getting completely undone by this man. I’ve even gotten so I dread going to work.”
Then, finally, it occurred to her to say something about it to a friend at the office. She was tremendously relieved when her friend immediately responded that she too was troubled by his coldness and apparent hostility. Another person overheard and joined the conversation. She had also been upset by him. “It was amazing how talking about it cleared away all the horrible thoughts,” Laura told me. The next day, when they talked about their intense feelings, they imagined all the trouble he might have in his life. They all agreed to be warm toward him no matter what his reaction. Everything changed. Laura was no longer afraid, and after a while he started being just a bit friendlier—at least that’s how it seemed.
Laura’s story illustrates many aspects of letting go: she reflected on her part in the situation, talked with others, and was able to shift from a childlike state of fear to an adult state of awareness. It wasn’t that she willed herself to “let go”; it was by talking with others that her mind let go and she was able to come back into current time and see clearly in reality. That’s a very important distinction. The mind often lets go of its obsessing when we take action to speak the truth or face reality.
Here are some ways to help with letting go in relationships:
Clear up “unfinished business.” Unfinished business means feeling guilty, upset, unclear, or hurt, either by your actions toward others or from behavior directed at you. Decide if you need to talk, write a letter, make a phone call, or get help processing the situation.
Ask for guidance. If you can’t get clear in a relationship, process your thoughts and feelings with a neutral, insightful friend, counselor, or therapist. Look at your part. Are you in a childlike fear or dependency state, or are you seeing clearly in reality? What feels true for you? Once you are in current time, you will know what to say.
Make apologies whenever appropriate. Scan your past and think of situations in which you feel badly about your behavior or know you hurt someone. To make a genuine apology you need to resonate with the person