If the Buddha Got Stuck_ A Handbook for Change on a Spiritual Path - Charlotte Sophia Kasl [91]
Be comforted. If you are in grief or pain over a loss, go to someone—talk, cry, be held, let yourself be cared for. Then take some time to tell the story of what you lost, what it meant to you, and what you learned.
Say thank you. Scan your past and think of ways in which people have been helpful or kind to you and thank them in some meaningful way. Gratitude is one of the highest vibrations of energy.
Do not re-hash the same situation if it’s getting nowhere. Instead, take a break so both individuals can get clear for themselves and are able to be more forthright and honest. Endless processing is usually about not wanting to face some part of reality. When people are clear, conversations usually are brief.
Let go of pressuring another person to agree with you. In some situations there never will be agreement. You need to separate your pride from your desire for the relationship and decide what feels true for you. If you decide to proceed, you could start by asking “What’s the next step?” or “What would you like from me?” or “Here’s what I need from you.” You agree that there is a different perception or belief.
Create a ritual for letting go. Sometimes we need to let go of grief or hurt from a person who is unwilling to talk with us or who is dead.
A touching example came from a dear cousin of mine. Ed, in his late forties, routinely fell into a deep depression just before Christmas. Ed’s wife put together the pieces and figured out that the depression usually started near the anniversary of his mother’s death. Ed realized that he had never truly grieved his mother, who died when he was in high school. His father had a stoic, hold-yourself-together kind of attitude, and life had moved on, leaving Ed’s grief still churning inside.
To create a ritual, Ed asked relatives and friends who knew his mother to write stories about her and send them to him. Then, on the anniversary of her death, Ed explained to his two sons that he wanted to set aside a special time with them and his wife to talk about his mother because he had never grieved her death. He hoped it would help ease his chronic Christmas depression. On December 21, the family gathered together in the living room, lit candles, read what people had written, watched some old home movies, and provided Ed with a loving place to share memories of his mother.
“I can’t say there was a sudden change in my depression,” Ed said, “but there was some kind of shift over time. Gathering to talk about my mother became a yearly ritual, and everyone accepted it and took part. But then, one year, I didn’t feel the need for it anymore. I was done.”
Like Laura, Ed didn’t set a timetable—he followed his instincts, took action, and the grief and depression let go in their own time.
56. Let Go of the Outcome
Many of us make leaps of faith without realizing it. We make most decisions with insufficient data. We go to a movie not knowing if we’ll like it. We conceive a child without knowing what he’ll be like. We try out a medical treatment without knowing if it will help—we might go through tremendous pain and discomfort and then get well, or we might not. We constantly choose between one path or another, not knowing what we really are choosing. You have probably already let go in hundreds of ways throughout your lifetime. The task for staying unstuck is to stay unattached to the outcome and not look back with regret.
Everything turns out one way or another; it’s just the way it is. You can have a loosely held preference without creating turmoil inside. You can say, well, I really wanted to have that work out, without saying it was bad and unfair that it didn’t. Life is unfair and lots of plans won’t go as we expect.