I'm Just Here for the Food_ Version 2.0 - Alton Brown [59]
The reason the hydrogen atoms are attached Mickey Mouse-style to the oxygen has to do with oxygen’s attraction to hydrogen’s electrons. It pulls on their orbits so strongly that the hydrogens list to one side, resulting in an asymmetrical and electrically polar molecule. If oxygen weren’t so greedy for electrons, your hydrogen ears would connect at 180 degrees (think Princess Leia). Of course, if that were the case water would boil at about 150° F; you wouldn’t need a hat, because you wouldn’t exist—nor would any other living thing. In short, the curious triangular configuration of the water molecule makes life (and cooking) on earth possible.
In its solid state, water’s molecules are ordered and equally spaced, as if taking part in a very slow line dance. As it warms up, the bonds that hold it in this rigid but open pattern release, and you’ve got something like a disco on your hands. Now the molecules are packed tightly together and every atom on each molecule is free to hook up with other atoms on other molecules via hydrogen bonds. At any given time, dozens of water molecules can be loosely bound together in a molecular group hug. A food item placed in this environment is going to come in contact with a lot of water molecules and will conduct heat from them while getting physically tossed around a bit.
WHAT’S IN YOUR BOTTLE?
Ever responsive to human needs, marketing mavens have made it possible for every American to pay a buck for a pint of water. Waterheads not only proclaim their favorite brands but their own ability to discern the differences between glacial water and mineral water.
This is not to say that the flavor of water doesn’t matter; it does. I’m just not ready to have a waiter hand me a water list along with my menu.
The government, in its wisdom, recognizes and enforces the following designations.
Aquifer (a large, naturally occurring underground cistern). Drill into it, and pump or lift the water out. That’s well water.
Aquifers often run with the strata of the land as they dip and curve and are perfect for an artesian well. If you drill into an aquifer at a particularly low point, the majority of the water will actually rest above the level of the well itself, so its own weight pushes the water out of the well. The only difference between a spring and an artesian well is that spring water finds its way to the surface unaided.
Spring water must come to the surface under its own power. It can be drilled for, but only if the resulting supply is chemically identical to the natural flow. It can even be pumped from the ground, but only if the original spring continues to flow.
Bottled water that contains at least 250 parts per million total dissolved solids can be called mineral water. Said minerals include calcium, magnesium, and sodium. Since it does contain minerals, mineral waters do possess actual flavors, even if they’re unflavored by man.
WATER CONVERSION
Because of water’s fondness for hydrogen bonding, it can absorb a lot of energy (in the form of heat) without actually changing temperature. This explains why even twenty-first-century cars have radiators, elephants have big ears, and human beings sweat. In the case of the latter, moisture carries heat from the inner core of our bodies to the outside, where it evaporates. The conversion from liquid to vapor absorbs even more energy and we cool off. This also explains why a bottle of beer chills faster in a bucket of cold water than in the relatively dry air of the freezer.
Distilled water is pure H2O. Everything else has been removed by either reverse osmosis or carbon filtering. Since no trace of anything else remains, distilled water tastes freakishly flat, but it is good for cleaning lab equipment and filling irons. Some water bottlers use it as an ingredient