Incubus Dreams - Laurell K. Hamilton [258]
“There was no word that would keep you safe from Raina and Gabriel.”
“Exactly, Richard, exactly. But you can enjoy the game without doing what they did.”
He grabbed for me, and I tried to be out of reach, but in the end, I had only a shadow of his speed, not the real thing. He got one wrist instead of two, but he still got one. He jerked me a little toward him, not hard, but enough that I planted my feet and set up for not being pulled any closer. Just principle, instinct, nothing personal.
“What if it’s the reality I want, Anita? What if the reason Raina liked me so much was that I’m just like her?” He didn’t hurt me, didn’t do anything but keep holding my wrist, keep me, so that I knew I couldn’t get away, easily, if at all. I was stronger than a normal human, but I wasn’t as strong as a real lycanthrope.
I let out a breath that was even, and my voice sounded normal, but I couldn’t help it. I started with, “Let go of me, Richard.”
“You’re afraid of me,” he said.
“No, but you aren’t my boyfriend anymore. You don’t have the right to touch me without permission.”
“The fact that you’re trying to pull away, and I know you can’t, excites me.”
There was a time in my life that I would have argued, but we’d argue about it later, if we needed to. I didn’t repeat my request, because I wasn’t sure what would happen if I upped the physical stuff. I knew I didn’t want to find out, so I talked. “All you need is a submissive of your very own who likes to play these games, and you’re all set, but I am not your anything, so let go of my wrist.” Okay, I couldn’t not ask again.
He let go of me, so abruptly I stumbled a little. I guess I’d been pulling harder away from him than I thought. Fancy that. I resisted the urge to rub my wrist. Never let them see that they’ve hurt you. It’s a rule. “You’re nothing like Raina, Richard.”
“Yes,” he said, “I am.”
“I carry her munin, remember, I’ve had her in full technicolor glory in my head, and I’ve been in your head, too. Trust me, you don’t think like she did.”
“Sometimes I fantasize about horrible things, Anita.”
What I wanted to say was, I wasn’t his mother confessor, but I didn’t, because I didn’t know who else to send him to for this talk. Who else would I trust? No one. Damn it.
“So don’t we all, Richard, the difference isn’t what you think, it’s what you do about it. Most of us know the difference between fantasy and reality. We know that what works as pretend doesn’t work in the real world.”
“What if I want things that would hurt other people?”
I so didn’t want to be having this talk, but looking into his face, I knew that this was part of the demon that had driven him to nearly destroy himself, and us. “If it’s going to permanently maim, scar, or kill someone, you don’t do it. Outside of those parameters you talk to your lover and see what they want to do. What they’re willing to do.”
He was frowning at me. “No maiming, scarring, or killing, and everything else is okay? Just like that.”
I shook my head, “No, everything else that your partner says ‘yes’ to, is okay. If you’re on top, dominant, then you have to hold it together and make sure it’s all safe and not too scary.”
“I want it to be scary,” he said.
I shrugged. “I said, ‘not too scary.’ Through . . . friends, I’m beginning to understand that a little fear goes a long way as foreplay.”
“You don’t mean friends, you mean Nathaniel.”
“If I’d meant just Nathaniel, I’d have said just Nathaniel. He can’t teach me how to be a good top. To learn to be dominant you’ve got to talk to a dominant, not a submissive.”
“You sound like you’ve researched it.”
“Most of the wereleopards in my pard are into bondage and submission. I can’t be a good Nimir-Ra for them if I don’t understand them.”
He looked at me, considering something. I wasn’t sure exactly what he was thinking, but at least it wasn’t sad or angry. At this point I’d take almost any emotion