Inside Out - Lauren Dane [120]
“You are the reason. You’re the reason I can say to myself that I deserve love and kindness and a normal relationship where I make decisions for myself and with my partner. When I was afraid, it was you who stepped up to give me the tools to combat that last hurdle. The last remnants of fear that held me back.
“On my last full day at the café, I went to buy coffee. The street was crowded, and I had a panic attack. Right there in the open like the freak I am.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I got through it. I went in, spoke with the clerk, paid money and walked out with my coffee. The other day, it was getting dark and I had to get back to my car, which I’d parked in the lot at the RJC in Kent. The courthouse,” she added, to clarify. “It was creepy, and there wasn’t anyone around until I heard footsteps, and the part of me he used to control got freaked out. But the part of me who you’d been training three times a week? Well, that part won. I kept an eye out, had my keys in my hand and I got to my car and drove away. I came up here and we had dinner at your house, and I was fine.”
“You should have told me before now.”
“I’m telling you now so you understand something very important. You gave me the tools to stand up and do the brave thing. I can’t tell you I won’t ever die. I can’t promise that in some random chain of events I won’t get killed in a freak accident or in labor or from a fucking infection from a scratch I get on the asphalt. I can’t. You could lose me tomorrow. You could walk into a client’s house and fall instantly in love with her. You could die in a plane crash. Nothing in life is certain. This used to keep me awake at night because I needed things to be certain.
“There are constants, though. You’re the man I love. I can say this all to you now because no matter what happens, you will be the man I love. I will always love you, Andrew. It’s my blessing to have that. It gives me the strength right now to tell you to go.”
“What?”
“You need to work this through. I can take fighting with you. I’m not fragile, baby. Not at all. We can have an argument, and we will survive it. You seem to think I’m so broken that even having a tiff with me will damage me. I know you’re not Bill. Couples fight. But people who love each other don’t try to kill one another. Trust me, please, to understand the difference between what we’ve got and what I was before. You can be a total dick, Andrew. But so what? I can be a bitch. We’re a good match.” She grinned for a moment.
“So why are you kicking me out? I love you; you love me. End of story.”
“Not really. Love isn’t everything. It can’t be. There’s all the day-to-day stuff that fills in the rest. You’re afraid, and I can’t give you guarantees, not in the way you need. I can tell you I love you. I can tell you I’m committed to you, and the thought of me carrying our child fills me with so much joy I can’t do it justice. But I can’t promise not to die. I can’t promise we’ll be together forever. I can promise you I will work my ass off every single day for the rest of my life to keep our relationship working, to be the best person I can. What you need to figure out is if that’s enough.”
She had to pause to wrestle tears away.
“You need to figure out if that is enough for you to stay with me. Because while I respect your need for space to process stuff like this shit with your dad and all the hospital stuff, I don’t plan to have this moment over and over. It’s too much. I need assurances of my own. You need to figure out if your fear will choke you so much you can’t give me all of yourself. I want it all. I want Andy, I want Cope and I want Andrew. The good, the bad, all of it. Because that’s what I deserve and it’s what you deserve. I’m giving you this gift because I love you. Go. Take the time and space you need to figure it out. Don’t call me again until you’re breaking up with me or telling me you’re all mine.”
She stood, and he did as well.
“I love you, Ella.”
She nodded. “I know. I love you too. But that’s not good enough for either of us. Take