It's My Life - Melody Carlson [38]
Jenny's mom packed a great picnic lunch, and all in all it was a really fun day. I always did like doing stuff with Jenny when she's away from her friends at school. It's like she's a whole different person.
And today she told me that she's getting tired of their little clique and all the superficiality. “I'm ready to be a real person,” she said at the end of the day as we sat on the dock with our feet dangling in the water, waiting for her dad to load up the boat. “You seem real to me, Caitlin. Not like some of my friends who can only think about one-upping somebody else.”
I thanked her and considered telling her the only reason I was real (whatever that might mean) was probably due to God, but somehow I just didn't say it.
Then she went on. “It's my senior year, and I decided not to try out for cheerleading because I'm sick and tired of playing games. I'm just going to be myself, hang with whomever I please, and just see what happens.”
“I think that sounds like a great plan,” I agreed. “In fact, it's pretty much what I intend to do too.” I didn't mention that I'd also intended to tell everyone who would listen about God. But frankly, I wasn't doing such a hot job of that right at that moment.
We chatted some more about being real and being who we really were, and then it was time to go home. I had a fun day, and yet I felt sort of guilty when it was all said and done. Did I feel guilty for having a good time with a good friend? Or was it because of the things I didn't say? But then am I supposed to do nothing but talk about God? Or are there times just to hang out and be normal? Then again, what is “normal” anyway? For some reason I feel a little confused right now. But on the other hand, I'm tired and don't really want to think about it too hard.
Friday, September 14 (finding normal)
To tell the truth, I don't really feel like writing in my diary much today. The only reason I'm writing is because it's been several days, and I've got a few minutes to kill. But it's not like I haven't been writing anything; I actually wrote a long letter to Josh just yesterday. And besides, I've been busy working after school, and then I've been doing a lot with Jenny lately too. We're becoming pretty good friends.
I've tried to include Beanie, like inviting her to eat lunch together and stuff. And I think Jenny actually likes her. But Beanie seems to want to distance herself, like she looks down on Jenny or something. Now, that bugs me a lot, because I think just because Jenny's been “popular” doesn't mean that God doesn't want us to hang with her, does it? I mean, does God like the loser types better than the popular types? I don't think so. And that might not even be what Beanie is thinking. I'm not totally sure. In fact, I haven't even talked to Beanie for a couple of days now. Maybe that's what's bugging her. But then, it's a two-way street–she can make the move to talk to me just as easily as I can to her.
Anyway, I think I've written just about enough for now. Besides, Jenny's going to be here soon. I'm not sure what we're doing tonight, but I'm sure it'll be fun. And I have to admit, I'm enjoying just being a normal seventeen-year-old girl again. And I'm trying not to think too much about heavy things these days. I had my physical and the doctor told my mom that maybe the trip to Mexico had caused me to suffer stress, or perhaps I'd been having a little culture shock. Anyway, he told me to just take it easy. And that's just what I've been doing. So, is there anything wrong with that?
Wednesday, September 19 (accusations)
I'm not going to apologize for not writing in my diary every day. I'm just not going to do it. I'm tired of apologizing, and besides I've been pretty busy lately and life's been fun. Jenny and I are having a great time being seniors; we just do whatever we want, hang with whomever we want, and we don't worry about what anyone thinks. It's great! And we do try to include Beanie, really we do! And occasionally she actually joins in, but usually