It's My Life - Melody Carlson [41]
THIRTEEN
Tuesday, September 25 (concerns)
Okay, now I'm thinking Beanie is right on target about Jenny. I've watched her closely for two days and haven't seen her consume a single bite of food. Oh, she's very clever about it, never draws attention to the fact she's not eating, and even makes comments about the food. But I'm afraid Beanie's right–Jenny's not eating. And today the three of us were sitting outside enjoying the last days of summer (actually it's fall, but the weather is still good) and I noticed that Jenny's not just thin, she's skinny as a stick. I even mentioned it and she just said, “No way, you're the one who's skinny, Caitlin.” I tried to show her that she was lots skinnier, but she just kept laughing and denying it. Beanie gave me a look that said, see. And I didn't know what to do. Now I feel pretty worried about Jenny. I mean, people can die from anorexia, and the worst part is they have a real tough time admitting that they have it. I've heard stories where girls are nothing but skin and bones but still see themselves as fat. I don't want that to happen to Jenny. But I don't know what to say or do.
And now I've got another admission to make. I haven't been praying a whole lot lately. I guess I've been sort of afraid. Not of God, exactly. But maybe of what I think He's telling me to do. And yet, I really want to pray for Jenny. But I'm thinking, how can I go to God, begging Him to help Jenny when I'm not even going to Him to ask for help for myself.
Basically, I'm feeling just about as down as I've ever felt in the last year or so. Okay, maybe I'm not borderline suicidal (like the first time Josh broke my heart) but that was before I had God. But what worries me now is, what if I've turned my back on God (like Beanie had suggested I was doing a week or so ago)? I mean, I went to church, and I've even read my Bible a few times, but something in me is shut down. And it scares me. A lot.
So as worried as I am about my friend Jenny, I guess I'm even more worried about myself. The truth is, I don't know if I can even live without God in my life anymore. And right now, my heart feels like there's a great, big boulder sitting on it. Oh, why have I allowed myself to reach this place where I'm even asking these questions? And where do I go for the answers?
Wednesday, September 26 (truth)
I was bummed out at school today that Beanie and Jenny both kept asking me what was wrong. To which I could not even find the words to answer. Finally, I just went home early on the pretense of being sick. (I even called Rita and told her I wouldn't be in.) And I believe I am sick. But in my spirit. And I suppose if one is sick in her spirit for long, it can't help but affect her body. But for now it's just in my spirit. And I know it's time for Caitlin Renee O'Conner to do some honest to goodness soul-searching. So that's exactly what I plan to do. I can't keep living like this, pretending to be what I'm not, not knowing what I am, running from God, or acting like I don't care. I just can't do it anymore!
DEAR GOD, I NEED YOUR HELP–DESPERATELY! I KNOW I'VE BEEN AVOIDING YOU. AND I'M TRULY SORRY. I REALIZE THAT I NEED YOU MORE THAN EVER BEFORE. BUT I CONFESS THAT I'M AFRAID. I'M AFRAID YOU'VE ASKED ME TO DO SOMETHING I CANNOT DO. IT'S NOT THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE A MISSIONARY FOR YOU, GOD. IT'S JUST THAT I'M AFRAID I CAN'T DO IT–NOT UP TO THE TASK. I MEAN, TWO WEEKS IN MEXICO IS ONE THING, BUT A LIFETIME COMMITMENT TO SERVING YOU AS A MISSIONARY IS SOMETHING ELSE ALTOGETHER. I KNOW I MUST BE A BIG DISAPPOINTMENT TO YOU, AND FOR THAT I'M SORRY. PLEASE HELP ME. AMEN.
Thursday, September 27 (encouragement)
I'm feeling a little better today. This morning, Beanie grilled me on the way to school, and I finally ended up just pouring out the whole missionary story. And she was so relieved. “Oh, Cate,” she gushed happily. “This is such a relief. I thought maybe something really serious was wrong.”
“But this is serious,