It's My Life - Melody Carlson [42]
“That's not how I see it.” She thought for a moment. “To me, it just seems like God is calling you to a deeper level of faith and you're struggling with it.”
I nodded. “Yeah, that's kind of how it seems. But ever since that mission thing happened, it feels like I'm pulling away from God.” I blinked back tears. “But I've just come to realize that I can't do that. I cannot live like that, Beanie. It's like there's no going back for me.”
She reached over and laid a comforting hand on my arm. “It's going to be okay, Cate. I just know it, inside my heart. Everything is going to turn out just fine.”
“I wish I felt as sure as you do.” Then it was time to head to class. But her words were encouraging. And when I saw Jenny later, she asked if I was feeling better and I said “a little,” but didn't go into any detail.
Then at lunch, Beanie came to sit with Jenny and me and she asked how my spiritual trial was going (well, not in those words, but plainly enough as to get Jenny's curiosity).
“What's that all about?” asked Jenny as she pretended to chew on a carrot stick. (And I'm thinking, Just go ahead and eat it, it's only a carrot stick for Pete's sake!)
But instead I actually answered her, surprising even myself. “You know what you've been saying about being real, Jenny? Well, I haven't been real. Not with myself or you, and worst of all to God.”
Well, she just sort of blinked, then asked me what I meant. And I tried to explain how I felt like I'd turned my back on God lately (not mentioning the missions thing, which I'm sure she would never in a million years understand!), but how I'd become progressively more miserable, and finally reached the point where I couldn't go on. “So you see, Jenny, I'm a Christian. And there's nothing more important to me than God. And if you don't want to hang with me because of that, it's fine.” I could see that last line wasn't quite making sense, so I tried to soften it a little. “What I mean is, I am going to be who I am no matter what anyone else thinks. And I'd like to still be friends, but I've figured out that I need God more than I need even the best of friends.”
She kind of laughed then said, “Gee, Cate, I never thought I was making you choose between me and God.”
I smiled. “I know. It was me who was having the problem. Actually, I think I was trying to distract myself more than anything.” Then I told her all about the trip to Mexico and how I'd really become concerned about the kids.
“I think that's cool,” she said with genuine enthusiasm.
“But the thing is,” I went on, “I even started feeling like I'd turned my back on the kids. And that was just killing me.”
“Oh, I think I'm beginning to get the picture.”
Finally Beanie jumped in. “Yeah, even Josh Miller has gotten really concerned about the kids down there.”
“Josh?” Jenny's eyes flashed.
“Yeah. He went on the mission too,” said Beanie, glancing at me nervously, as if she'd said something wrong.
“Josh had been attending our church youth group,” I quickly explained. “And he went with us to Mexico.”
Jenny frowned. “And so are you and Josh, you know, going out now?”
I laughed. “Not at all. We're just friends, and we both know it.”
“Oh.” Then she laughed. “Not that I'd care. I mean, that was a lifetime ago.”
“I know. But Josh has really changed since then.”
She kind of rolled her eyes. “I'll bet.”
We talked a little more about the Mexico trip, then Jenny said she wouldn't mind doing something like that someday. “I think it's great to help kids like that.” So I told her about my campaign to raise money for food, and she asked if she could help too.
“Of course. I'd love for you to help.”
And suddenly everything was starting to feel almost like it had before. Well, almost. I still have some things to resolve between God and me. But now I don't feel quite so anxious as I did yesterday. Somehow the things that happened today have made me feel a new confidence. Beanie claims it's because she's been really praying for me.