It's My Life - Melody Carlson [43]
Sunday, September 30 (back on track)
Today at youth group, Greg read an excerpt from “The Journals of Jim Elliot,” which is the actual journal of a man named Jim Elliot who was a missionary in Ecuador about fifty years ago or so. Anyway, it was this really cool entry about how he wanted to give his all for God and to trust Him for everything, but it was so honestly written! I couldn't believe it had been written so long ago by some pioneer missionary, because this guy sounded like someone who could be a good friend. And Greg said he wasn't really that old at the time (I think he was in his twenties).
Then Greg closes the book and tells us how not long after those words were written, Jim and his buddy were killed by some of the natives they were trying to reach for God. Now I suppose this sounds kind of gruesome and everything (and it really was a tragedy), but for some reason this story of some missionaries being literally martyred for their faith just totally got to me. But not in a sad or negative way. I mean, suddenly I'm thinking, it would be an honor to die for God.
And okay, I'll admit that just days ago I was running from God (or at least I thought I was), but maybe I was just running from myself and thinking I wasn't up to doing whatever it was that God was calling me to do. But suddenly I'm not worried about any of that anymore. And I'm thinking that, sure, I could go serve God as a missionary, and I could even die if need be. Just like that. Pretty weird, huh?
But the truth is, I would rather live like that (sold out for God) than the way I've been living these past few weeks. I'd rather know that I totally belong to God and that He's in control of my life than to feel like I'm running or hiding or whatever. Because God's way is better. I just know it. And now that I've reached this place, I feel so free and happy and secure. And now I realize that it's the only place I want to be.
So then after telling us about this missionary, Greg reads a quote of his which I wrote down and am now going to put in my diary as well as on my wall. It goes like this:
He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose. Jim Elliot
And that just about sums it up for me. I think I was trying to hang on to something–I'm not even sure exactly what, but I was hanging on to it for dear life–and it was killing me! Now I feel like whatever it was (whether it was me, my life, my choices, whatever) that I have let it go. Now I'm just hanging on to God, and I feel more alive and more fulfilled and just plain happier than ever. And, ah, what a huge relief it is!
And you know what's really cool? I've started thinking about those kids at the dump again and praying for them more than ever. I can even imagine going down there to live and to work full time. I mean, I'm dreaming up ways that I might get the funds together to have a building built with a kitchen and day care facilities and laundry and who knows what else!
Okay, I know I'm only seventeen and not even out of high school yet, but I can dream, can't I? And I can pray! Let me tell you, this is a whole lot better than running the other way!
FOURTEEN
Wednesday, October 3 (confrontation)
Today at lunch, I just couldn't stand it anymore. Try as I might, I could NOT keep my eyes off Jenny as she just picked and picked and PICKED at her tossed green salad, while casually sipping from her 32-ounce Diet Coke. And finally, to my later and extreme embarrassment, the words just blurted out of me.
“Just eat the stupid salad, Jenny!”
She looked up at me in surprise, then calmly said, “What's up with that little comment?” Still slightly shocked at my own unexpected outburst, I almost backed down, but then something came over me as I noticed (not for the first time) her tiny, bony wrists, and I knew I could no longer just sit by and say nothing. So I