It's My Life - Melody Carlson [49]
“I know. But God is bigger than that. I believe He can do all those things.”
“Then let Him.”
I wasn't totally sure what she meant by that but felt too emotionally wrung out to figure it all out anyway. So I thanked her for her (what I assumed was)well-meant, albeit harsh, advice and told her I'd see her at church tomorrow.
Wednesday, October 10 (okay, so no one's perfect)
Today in psychology class we learned about codependent personalities and now I'm afraid I might actually be one–and let me tell you, it's not a pretty picture. But the good news is this personality disorder is preventable and curable, and I'm thinking if I nip it in the bud (not to mention going to God for help) I might be able to beat it. So what is codependent? At first I just thought it meant someone who depends on others too much, and I suppose that's partially right. But it's more like someone who thinks that they need to take care of everyone else and fix everything else to the point where their whole identity is tied up in caring and worrying about others. Sound familiar? And eventually they neglect themselves so much that they have no joy in living, and then they tend to just make everyone around them miserable with their guilt trips and meddling.
Well, let me tell you, that's NOT what I want for my life. Not at all. No sireee! Now I'm trying to understand the difference between a person who is just naturally helpful and caring and the one who's truly a codependent. I'm just not sure exactly where I draw that line in myself. And I must admit that over just the last year, I've made myself almost sick with worry about others from time to time. I mean, I can list the people I've been concerned for on TWO hands. To start with there was my mom and dad and their marriage problems, and before Christmas it was Aunt Steph, then Beanie with her pregnancy, Josh just because he's Josh, and for a while I was worried about Andrea, and then Zach with his drug problems, and lately it's been Jenny. And this whole thing is starting to worry me a lot! It's like I can see an unhealthy pattern here. So I figure I better let God straighten me out before I go out and do something really stupid, like marry a drug addict or alcoholic (lots of codependents do that sort of thing!).
DEAR GOD, PLEASE SHOW ME THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALLY HELPING SOMEONE THE RIGHT WAY AND BEING CODEPENDENT. I THINK IF MY CARING AND LOVE COMES FROM YOU, I'LL BE OKAY. BUT I'M JUST NOT SURE HOW TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. PLEASE SHOW ME HOW TO LIVE MY LIFE IN A HEALTHY WAY THAT IS PLEASING TO YOU. AMEN.
Thursday, October 11 (on wising up)
Okay, now (hopefully without sounding too codependent) I must express my concern for Jenny. I've called her mom twice this week to see if I might possibly visit Jenny. All I want to do is to give her a big hug and encourage her. Is there anything wrong or codependent with that? I think it's just being a good friend. But the problem is, according to Mrs. Lambert, Jenny isn't allowed visitors. And for some reason (maybe it's the way she says things) I'm not totally convinced that Mrs. Lambert is telling the whole truth. I may just try calling West Haven for myself. In the meantime, I will keep praying (as will Beanie and Steph).
Now (speaking of Steph) here's the best news I've heard in ages. Beanie says she thinks it's just a matter of time before Pastor Tony pops the big question. Of course, she told me not to say a word about this to Steph (or anyone), but she says they see each other almost daily, talk on the phone each night before bed, and she thinks it all seems pretty imminent. I sure hope so. I think they make a terrific pair. And I know Tony has been so lonely after losing Clay last spring. And Steph has changed so much in the last year. A miracle really. I just really believe it's meant to be. And I'm so happy for her (even