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It's really getting so I question myself almost constantly. Although I did get some encouragement from Jesus's words about “loving your neighbor as you love yourself.” I got to thinking, now that's not codependent. Maybe that's the reason He said it like that. Because the way I figure it, if you take really good care of yourself and your relationship with God (that's loving yourself), then your won't turn into a codependent when you try to love and help others in the same way. And hopefully they'll appreciate your help. So in a way, it's just really simple. And for that reason, I have decided to stop freaking about this whole codependent thing but to just pray about it instead.

But first one more interesting note. You see, one of my favorite classical authors is Jane Austen and one of my favorite books is Emma (which was also made into a contemporary movie called Clueless, but that's another story). But anyway, I'm thinking that Emma was probably just codependent too. Although I think she got wise and was beginning to finally escape it in the end. But isn't it interesting how much I loved that book and that character? I told Beanie all about this codependent stuff and she just laughed real hard, but finally agreed that I'd probably hit the nail on the head, and that I was lucky to make this discovery now while I'm still young enough to escape turning into a bitter old woman married to some abusive alcoholic. I think she's right!

DEAR GOD, I KNOW THAT YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN REALLY LEAD ME AND KEEP ME FROM MAKING A TOTAL MESS OF MY LIFE (NOT TO MENTION THE LIVES OF THOSE AROUND ME). BECAUSE WITHOUT YOU, I'D PROBABLY JUST TOTALLY MESS UP BIG TIME. SO PLEASE HELP ME TO BE WISE AND DISCERNING WHEN IT COMES TO STUFF LIKE CODEPENDENCY. I REALLY WANT TO HELP OTHERS, BUT WHAT I THINK I NEED TO DO IS TO ALLOW YOU TO HELP OTHERS THROUGH ME. PLEASE SHOW ME HOW TO DO THIS. AMEN.

SIXTEEN

Friday, October 12 (a good day)

At noon, Beanie and I were talking about Jenny (we both miss her and wonder how she's doing), and Beanie said, “Why don't you just call West Haven and ask if she can have visitors or not. And if not, ask why not.” So I just marched over to the pay phone, looked up the number, and called. And dontcha know, the receptionist said, “Sure, Jennifer Lambert can have visitors. In fact, we encourage it. Visiting hours are three to five every day.”

So it's settled, tomorrow both Beanie and I will visit her. Beanie thought I might like to go alone, but I told her I thought it would be better if she came along too. I think Jenny could use a good support of friends right now, but of course, I haven't mentioned any of this to any of her old friends, who are so wrapped up in their own lives, they don't even seem to notice she's missing. And even if they did know what was up, I'm not sure how much help they'd be. I mean, some of them actually act as if having anorexia were cool. Too weird.

Then an interesting thing happened in my psychology class today. We were supposed to partner up with someone for a project, and I was about to ask Anna Parker (a girl I've known since grade school) but then this guy I barely know (but seems nice), Trent Ziegler, asked to partner with me and I said, “Sure, why not.” So we went to the library and started working on this fictional case study where Trent is supposed to be suffering from depression, and I'm supposed to be diagnosing him. It's pretty silly, but our teacher thinks it's worthwhile, and because our grade is dependent on it, we're cooperating.

So anyway, I say all the normal things to him, but then I throw in something like, “But have you tried praying?” or “Maybe you just need to trust God with your life.” Well, I can tell these kinds of comments are really bugging him, but he's being a good sport and answering the questions (for his fictional character anyway). But when it was time to quit, he asked me if I thought those religious questions were realistic or not.

“I mean, aren't psychologists