It's My Life - Melody Carlson [5]
All in all, I thought I was having a pretty good day, but then after dinner my dad talked me into going with him to get some ice cream to go with Mom's scrumptious chocolate-sour cream cake. And when we got back, I couldn't help but notice several extra cars parked around my house–and low and behold, the parents had planned a little surprise party for me. Mostly friends, family, and people from church. But it was nice.
Beanie came with Aunt Steph (who I noticed spent most of the evening talking with Pastor Tony). But I realized this was the first time Beanie had been at my house (when my parents were both there) since they'd heard about her pregnancy. And suddenly I realized how she was probably still uncomfortable with this whole thing. Unfortunately, it seemed my parents were too. They both treated her sort of stiff and formal, kind of like, “Good to see you, Beanie. Hope you're feeling well these days.” No joking around or anything. It made me feel pretty bad for her. I'll have to ask them to loosen up for Beanie's sake. She feels lousy enough about her “mistake” without them getting all weirded out on her too.
Which reminds me of another thing. My parents and I have never really discussed this whole thing very much (I mean Beanie's pregnancy). And I'm positive they have no idea, right now, that she might actually keep the baby. I'm sure they don't quite know what to think about this whole thing as it is, but I can't imagine what they'd say about my best friend being a teenage mom. Probably that's why we haven't really spoken of it. Maybe it's all for the best.
And one more thing before I call it a night. Josh came tonight too. No big surprise there, since he's pretty involved with our youth group these days. But he'd given Andrea a ride. And I hate to admit it, but that bothered me. Now, I'm not exactly sure which bothered me more: the fact that Josh (the boy I used to swoon over) gave Andrea a ride, or that Andrea (my almost best friend) got a ride with Josh. And I'm sure that doesn't even make sense in writing. But I'm pretty sure it has to do with jealousy, I'm just not sure why. Well, sometimes life's just too complicated to figure it all out. And besides it's like my birthday, and hey, why should I even care?
But for some mysterious reason I do. So, let me go on just a little here, if I may. Just as the party is winding down, Josh takes me aside and rather sweetly wishes me a happy birthday, and for a split second I almost think he's going to kiss me (and I can't even begin to sift through what I think about that!), but then he doesn't. Instead, he just looks into my eyes and tells me how much he loves me ”as a sister,” and then he says he's sorry for that stuff he said at the car wash last weekend, and that he was probably out of line for talking to me like that. Well, I just blink and say, “That's okay. I've forgotten all about it.” Which is almost true. I almost had forgotten it.
But for some reason the whole incident left me feeling a little unsettled inside, and I'm wondering: Did I want him to kiss me? Which seems totally stupid. And then when I saw Josh and Andrea getting into his little Jeep Wrangler, something inside me just twisted, sort of. And so I plan to spend some time praying about all this before I go to bed tonight. I really would like to understand what's going on here. If that's even possible. If not, maybe I can just pray to forget the whole thing. Because if there's one thing I've learned this year–the heart is a fickle thing.
DEAR GOD, WHY CAN'T SOMETHING LIKE GIVING UP BOYS AND DATING JUST BE EASY? YOU SAY IT, YOU DO IT, IT'S DONE. FINISHED. BUT IT'S JUST NOT THAT SIMPLE, IS IT? I NEED YOUR HELP TO LIVE THIS