It's My Life - Melody Carlson [9]
“I've felt better.”
I smiled. Same old Beanie. “But did you break anything?”
“A couple ribs, and a concussion.” Then she began to cry, silently, but the tears were flowing down her cheeks in two steady streams, and I could see she was in bad pain.
“Are you okay?”
“I lost my baby.” She choked on the words.
I just stared at her, not knowing what to say. I was sad for her, but to be perfectly honest, part of me was relieved. And even as I write these words, I know it's so very wrong of me (PLEASE FORGIVE ME, GOD!), but I actually thought, at least this is one less thing for Beanie to bear. But somehow (THANK GOD!) I knew that wasn't what she needed to hear. “I'm so sorry,” was all I said, and then I carefully put my arms around her, not wanting to hurt her further, and then we both cried together for what seemed a pretty long time.
I pulled up a chair and just listened as she talked about all the things she wouldn't get to do with her baby. Once again, I must be honest and say I really didn't understand much of what she was saying, and I'd had no idea she was looking forward to having a child like that. And I just kept thinking this whole thing was a real blessing in disguise. But believe me, I NEVER said it. Not even once. I just listened and nodded and told her everything was going to be okay, that it'd get better, and that she'd get over this in time.
I could tell by the commotion in the hallway that Lynn Jacobs was here and she was demanding to see her daughter immediately. I could hear Steph trying to reason with her, but finally it was of no use and Lynn just burst right into Beanie's room. I stayed in the chair, positioning myself between Lynn and Beanie, determined to lay down my life if necessary to protect Beanie from Lynn's wrath. But I couldn't protect her from her mother's cruel and heartless words.
“I just learned from the doctor that you lost your baby!” Lynn exploded. “What I want to know is what baby? What the – is going on with you, Sabrina Jacobs? You went and got yourself knocked up and then you didn't even tell your own mother–” Thankfully that was when a strong orderly (I later learned he was accosted by an angry Aunt Stephie) came in and literally dragged Lynn out of the room, loudly warning her that they could have the police there within minutes. Then Steph came in and comforted Beanie. I was so glad to hear Steph soothing Beanie, saying all those important things that I could never have thought of.
Anyway, we stayed there until really late. Until Beanie finally seemed to be calmed down and able to sleep. The nurses even posted a guard by Beanie's door, promising that Lynn Jacobs was now restricted from the hospital.
And so here I am. It's almost 2 A.M. and I'm exhausted, but fear I will not be able to sleep. So much to take in. So much sadness in Beanie's life. So much guilt in me for not being a better, more understanding friend. How could I have ever turned my back on Beanie? Not that I really did (well, not recently anyway), but I'd been thinking about it. And just because she was pregnant. Good grief! Sometimes I just really make myself sick!
DEAR GOD, PLEASE, PLEASE FORGIVE ME. I AM SO SORRY. PLEASE, PLEASE FORGIVE ME–AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND…
FOUR
Wednesday, July 25 (hard stuff)
I went to see Beanie after work today. She's out of the hospital and back at Steph's now. Apparently the most serous thing about the accident was losing the baby. I didn't really know that at the time, but that's what Steph says.
Anyway, Beanie was really, really down tonight. Talk about the blues.… Steph says (once again) that it's probably just hormones playing havoc with Beanie's heart (she calls it the “baby blues”), but I think it's more than that. I mean, when I consider all the pain Beanie's endured in her seventeen years, I can hardly believe she's survived it at all. I'm pretty