It's My Life - Melody Carlson [10]
In the meantime, Steph says she needs lots of TLC, and that's just what we're going to give her. Even my mom is stepping up to the plate. She and Ben will help watch Oliver and Beanie during the daytime. And I'll go over and spend time with her in the evenings. And hopefully between all of us, Beanie will see that she's loved–and that she has family. I told her that even if we're not biologically related, we're all related by God, and I think that's what matters most in the long run anyway.
But when I left Steph's apartment tonight, Beanie's eyes looked so flat to me. Sort of glazed over with pain, I guess. It's hard to explain, but it's like her old spark is totally gone. She almost seems dead to me. I know that sounds absolutely horrible and morbid and I don't mean it as a judgment against her. More like an observation about her. But it just makes me so sad. Sadder than I can even describe with words. Oh, poor, poor Beanie.
DEAR GOD, PLEASE, I BEG YOU, BREATHE YOUR LIFE BACK INTO MY SISTER BEANIE. PLEASE SHOW HER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HER. PLEASE, PLEASE WRAP YOUR ARMS AROUND HER, AND PLEASE HOLD HER SAFELY IN YOUR HANDS. AMEN.
Friday, July 27 (a faint say of hope)
For the first time since Beanie lost her baby, she seemed to show a flicker of interest in life tonight. Okay, maybe it was because of the pizza and the video that I brought over–but hey, whatever it takes, right?
Anyway, Steph and Tony were taking oliver to a kiddy carnival at another church tonight. They said it was to get ideas for a fall carnival at our church, although I suspect this might just be a thinly veiled disguise for an actual date. (Which is perfectly all right by me–I mean, sheesh, I've never said that everyone on the planet should give up dating altogether). Furthermore I happen to think Tony and Steph make a really great couple and I'd love to see them actually tie the knot someday. Although Steph firmly tells me they are only “good friends.” Well, to that I say: Time will tell.
But back to Beanie. I wanted to do something special for her, to hopefully lift her spirits out of the deep, dark dungeon she's been inhabiting of late. So, I rented one of her all-time favorite “feel good” movies (Ever After–where Drew Barrymore plays this no-nonsense Cinderella chick, who actually sort of reminds me of Beanie), and we watched the movie while we ate pepperoni pizza with double cheese and consumed about two liters of Dr. Pepper. But I think I saw her actually smile a couple times.
But when it was all over she just sort of groaned and said, “Life sure isn't like the movies, is it?”
And trying to be funny, I said, “oh, I don't know, sometimes life is like one of those really bad movies.” But I knew exactly what she meant. She meant: Life sure isn't a fairy tale, is it? No magical happy endings for me. So then I added, “But, you know, I do believe with God in our lives we really can live happily ever after–if that's what you're thinking.” Then she just rolled her eyes at me and said she still wasn't speaking to God. So I asked her why.
“Why?” she practically screams at me. “You're asking ME why? Good night, Cate, just look at my life. If this is the best God can do, I might as well go out and shoot myself.”
Then I just kind of blinked at her and wondered how to respond to that. I mean, I sure didn't want to pull her down any farther, but I'm thinking–you're blaming God for the mess you made of your life? But, thank God, I did not say that. If I had, I'm pretty sure she would've gone off looking for a gun right then (which Steph doesn't keep by the way!). So I just stayed quiet for a moment, then I calmly said, “All I know is that God does love you, Beanie. And I'm sure He feels just as bad as you do about losing that baby. But at least