J.R. Ward the Black Dagger Brotherhood Novels 1-4 - J. R. Ward [319]
“Mary…I wish you hadn’t seen all that.”
“Shh. Just rest for a little while, okay? There’s time to talk later.”
She got undressed and slid in next to him. The moment she was between the sheets, he curled himself around her, his big body a living blanket.
Lying next to him, all safe and secure, made her think of Bella.
Mary’s chest constricted and her eyes squeezed shut. If she believed in God at all, she would have prayed right now. Instead she just hoped as hard as she could.
Sleep came eventually. Until hours later, when Rhage let out a mighty yell.
“Mary! Mary, run!”
He began flailing around with his arms. With a lunge, she dove between them, putting herself against his chest, holding him down, talking to him. When his hands still scrambled, she captured them and put his palms to her face.
“I’m okay. I’m right here.”
“Oh, thank God…Mary.” He stroked her cheeks. “I can’t see very well.”
In the candlelight, she looked down into his unfocused eyes.
“How long does the recovery take?” she asked.
“Day or two.” He frowned and then stretched his legs. “Actually, I’m not as stiff as I usually am. Stomach’s a mess, but the aches aren’t bad at all. After I change—”
He stopped, jaw going rigid. Then he loosened his hold on her as if he didn’t want her to feel trapped.
“Don’t worry,” she murmured. “I’m not afraid of you even though I know what’s in you.”
“Hell, Mary…I didn’t want you to ever see it.” He shook his head. “It’s just so awful. The whole thing is awful.”
“I’m not so sure about that. I went right up to it, actually. The beast. I was as close as you and I are now.”
Rhage’s eyes shut. “Shit, Mary, you shouldn’t have done that.”
“Yeah, well, either I did or the creature would have eaten V and Zsadist. Literally. But don’t worry, your beast and I get along just fine.”
“Don’t do that again.”
“The hell I won’t. You can’t control it. The brothers can’t handle it. But that thing listens to me. Like it or not, the two of you need me.”
“But isn’t it…ugly?”
“No. Not to me.” She pressed a kiss to his chest. “It’s fearsome and terrifying and powerful and awe-inspiring. And if anyone ever tried to get at me, that thing would wipe out a neighborhood. How could a girl not be charmed? Besides, after seeing those lessers in action, I’m grateful for it. I feel safe. Between you and the dragon, I don’t have to worry.”
When she looked up at him with a smile, Rhage was blinking rapidly.
“Oh, Rhage…it’s okay. Don’t be—”
“I thought if you knew what it looked like,” he said hoarsely, “you wouldn’t be able to see me anymore. All you’d remember is some horrible monster.”
She kissed him and wiped a tear off his face. “It’s a part of you, not all of you or all of what you are. And I love you. With it or without it.”
He gathered her close and tucked her head into his neck. When he let out a deep sigh, she said, “Were you born with it?”
“No. It’s a punishment.”
“For what?”
“I killed a bird.”
Mary glanced at him, thinking that seemed a little extreme.
Rhage smoothed her hair back. “I did a lot more than that, but killing a bird was what finally tipped the scales.”
“Will you tell me?”
He paused for a long while. “When I was young, right after my transition, I was…uncontrollable. I had all this energy and strength and I was stupid with how I used it. Not mean, just…dumb. Showing off. Picking fights. And I, ah, I slept with a lot of females, females who I shouldn’t have taken because they were the shellans of other males. I never did it to piss off their hellrens, but I took what they offered. I took…everything I was offered. I drank, I smoked opium, fell into laudanum…I’m glad you didn’t know me then.
“That went on for twenty, thirty years. I was a disaster waiting for a coastline, and sure enough I met a female. I wanted her, but she was coy, and the more she teased me, the more I was determined to have her. It wasn’t until I was inducted into the Brotherhood that she came around. Weapons turned her on. Warriors turned her on. She only wanted to be with brothers. One night I took