Kushiel's Scion - Jacqueline Carey [79]
"I think it's noble, too." She smiled at me, touching my arm.
I gritted my teeth and withdrew from her. "No," I said in thick voice. "It's not. It's just… what is needful."
During the long, dark months of winter, that Longest Night's vigil served as my touchstone. I clung to it; to the discipline of it. When desire surged in me, I put myself there, remembering the frozen ground beneath my knees, and the sight of Joscelin's profile against the stars, his head bowed, serene and meditative.
It got me through the winter.
Then came spring, and the thawing of the earth.
Blessed Elua himself was nurtured in Earth's Womb. He was engendered by the blood of the Yeshuite mashiach, Yeshua ben Yosef, and the tears of his lover, Mary of Magdala; the Magdalene. He is the One God's ill-gotten son; but it is Earth herself who brought him to term.
In the spring, the Earth quickened; and I quickened, too.
And I turned sixteen years of age.
I knew somewhat was afoot. There are no secrets in a small household; and when all was said and done, House Montrève was that. I heard the talk and laughter among the men-at-arms as they debated, and Gilot arguing strongly among them. But I did not know what they had decided, and I was afraid to ask.
In the end, it was Phèdre who told me. She summoned me to her study on the eve of my natality. "Do you know what they're planning?" she asked without preamble.
My lips had gone dry, and I licked them. "Something to do with the Night Court."
"It's a rite of passage among young D'Angeline noblemen." Her tone was neutral. "Staging a mock abduction with all a young lord's friends, and hauling him off to taste the pleasures of the Court of Night-Blooming Flowers."
"Oh," I said.
"Somehow, the women seem to manage with less fanfare." Phèdre smiled slightly. "Imri, if the notion pleases you, I won't speak against it. I'm sure your friends would think it a grand lark. They're young and heedless enough to give little thought to what memories it might evoke. But if you are uneasy at it, I will see it goes no further."
"What…" I cleared my throat. "Which House?"
"Which House would you choose?" she asked, curious. "They're like to make the choice for you if you can't say."
"I don't know." I looked away. "I don't think… I don't think I want this." I did and I didn't, and it made a sickening knot of desire and revulsion in my belly. When I imagined my friends and the Montrèvan men-at-arms around me, laughing and jesting as they accompanied me to Mont Nuit, the revulsion grew stronger. I didn't know which would be worse; the mock abduction, the agonizing indecision, or the terribly public nature of it all. "Not like this."
"How, then?" Phèdre asked gently.
"I don't know!" The words burst from me. "I want… oh, Blessed Elua, I want, but I don't know how! It's all mixed up, and it keeps getting bigger, and I don't know how to sort it out!" I was on my feet, pacing the length of her study in a fit of agitated misery. "And I don't even know how to talk about it, or who to talk to! Mavros thinks he understands, but he doesn't not this, not"—I swallowed—" Daršanga. And you… you…" I shook my head, unable to explain. "You, I can't—"
"Imriel." Reaching into the purse at her belt, Phèdre withdrew a small ivory disk. "Here," she said, tossing it to me.
I caught it by reflex and stared foolishly at it. It bore the image of a flowering plant in raised relief, and nothing more. The plant looked vaguely familiar; I thought I might have seen it growing in Richeline Friote's herb garden.
"What is it?" I asked at length.
"It's a token for Balm House," she said.
"Balm House?" I echoed.
Phèdre nodded. "If it's your will to use it, then speak to Hugues before the end of the Queen's fete tomorrow. He will escort you, and Joscelin will ensure that the others plan no mischief."
"All right." I closed my hand around the token. It felt cool and smooth. I knew little of Balm House, save that it was a house of healing and Eugenie's niece Clory had studied the art of massage there. "Why… why Balm House?"
She smiled,