Lanark_ a life in 4 books - Alasdair Gray [52]
“Of course I’ll keep eating.”
“You know that the institute gets light and heat from people with our kind of sickness. Well, the food is made from people with a different sickness.”
He watched her anxiously, dreading an outcry. She looked thoughtful and said, “These people aren’t deliberately killed, are they?”
He remembered the catalyst but decided not to mention her.
“No, but the staff don’t cure people as often as they pretend.”
“But without the staff they would go bad anyway.”
“Perhaps. I suppose so.”
“Anyway, if I stop eating I’ll die, and nobody extra is going to be cured. Why shouldn’t I eat?”
“I want you to eat! I made you promise to eat.”
“Why won’t you eat?”
“No logical reason. I have instincts, prejudices, that stop me. But don’t worry, I’m fit enough to go without food for two or three days.”
She glared at him and cried, “I’m not!”
“But I want you to eat.”
“And then you’ll despise me.”
Lanark grew confused and uneasy. He said, “No, I won’t exactly despise you ….”
She turned her back to him and said coldly, “Right. I won’t eat either.”
She neither moved nor spoke for many hours, and when the nurse brought lunch she ordered it away.
That afternoon the window showed pearly fog and a tiny hard white sun. He could sense that Rima wasn’t sleeping.
He tried to embrace her but she shook him off. He said abruptly, “You know that if I eat this food you’ll have defeated me in a way I’ll always remember?”
She said nothing. He took the radio and said to it “Dr. Lanark needs to speak to Dr. Munro.”
“I’m sorry. There is no doctor called Lanark on the staff register.”
“But Dr. Munro delivered me. I desperately need his advice.” “I’m sorry Mr. Lanark, the doctor is off duty just now, but we’ll give him your message first thing after breakfast tomorrow.”
Lanark put down the radio and bit his thumb knuckle. When the nurse brought the evening meal he tried to persuade Rima to eat without him, but again she told the nurse to remove it. He rose and walked up and down the ward for a long time, then returned to bed, lay down wearily with his back to her and said, “Don’t worry. I’ll eat.”
A little later her arm slid round his waist. She kissed him comfortingly between the shoulderblades, pressed her breasts to his back, stomach to his bum, and knees to the backs of his knees. They lay like that till morning, fitted together like a couple of spoons in a drawer.
They were wakened by the nurse, who tidied the bed and helped Rima wash. Lanark shaved and washed in the lavatory, feeling relieved and happy. He had been foodless for two days and ached with hunger and was glad to have a reason for breaking his promise to himself, especially as Rima was not triumphant about it but gentle and grateful. When he returned to the freshly made bed the nurse brought in breakfast and placed on his knees a plate holding a small transparent pink dome. He stared at it, gripped the knife and fork, then looked at Rima, who waited, watching steadily. Feeling cold and lonely he handed the plate back, saying, “I can’t. I meant to eat, I want to, but I can’t.”
Rima handed back her own plate, then turned away from him and started weeping. The nurse said, “You’re nothing but a couple of babies. How can you get well if you won’t eat?”
She pushed the trolley out and the radio plin-plonged. Lanark switched it on. Munro said briskly, “Are you there, Lanark?”
“Yes. When can we leave, Dr. Munro?”
“As soon as your partner is strong enough to walk. Four days of rest and proper feeding will put her on her feet. Do I hear someone sobbing?”
“Yes, you see we can’t eat the food. Or I can’t and she won’t.”
“That’s unfortunate. What are you going to do?”
“Is there no way of getting decent food?”
Munro sounded angry.
“Why should you demand a superior diet to the rest of us? The Lord Director eats nothing better. As I told you, the institute is isolated.”
“Yet a certain creature is sending in tons of expensive machinery.”
“That’s different, that is for the expansion project. Stop talking about what you don’t understand.