Last Chance Saloon - Marian Keyes [184]
‘Go easy.’
‘But, Katherine, he’ll never be happy.’
‘Excellent. It couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.’
‘No matter what I did it wouldn’t have pleased him. If I went down to five stone he’d have complained about some other aspect of me. Because I wasn’t the problem. He is.’
‘You’re not just saying this?’ Katherine asked suspiciously.
‘No! Isn’t it great? I’ve wanted to parade in front of him to show him how skinny I’ve become, and now I don’t care if he never finds out. And I don’t give a damn about Marcy. You were absolutely right, he will make her life utter hell. And I’m sure he’s told her I was always upset, like he told me about his previous girlfriends, so that she’ll feel she can’t ever show any negative emotion, the way I did. But what do I care? Because my life isn’t a misery any more and that’s the way I like it!’
They held hands and did a little dance of delight.
‘And I’m not saying that I actually want to have children, but at least now I have a choice, unlike poor old Marcy. She’d have been better off with the turkey-baster,’ Tara mused. ‘Thank you, Katherine, for everything. For housing me – I’m going to start looking for my own place this very weekend – and putting up with me. But most of all thank you for not letting me ring him or visit him.’
‘It was far better for you to have no contact with him,’ Katherine agreed. ‘The other way only prolongs the agony and keeps you hoping.’
‘All the same, I can’t believe it,’ Tara said, in wonder. ‘It’s only five months since I’ve left him and I always thought that heartbreak was something that went on for years and years, basically until you met another man. That’s how it’s always worked for me before,’ she added.
‘I know.’ Katherine had witnessed Tara’s almost unbroken ten-year chain of boyfriends. ‘This is nothing short of a miracle. It was always like a relay race before. You’d hardly be finished with one fella before you’d started on the next.’
‘Was I that bad?’
‘Oh, yes.’
‘I’ve wanted a boyfriend since I left him,’ Tara admitted. ‘The loneliness has been unspeakable. And, in fairness, I had a couple of one-night stands.’ She recoiled at the memory.
‘But at least you left them as one-night stands. You didn’t start going out with either of the men.’
‘That’s because they were eejits and I’ve wasted enough of my life on eejits. I don’t want to do it any more.’
‘But don’t you see?’ Katherine demanded in excitement. ‘You were never like that before. You’d have gone out with an eejit rather than have nobody. You’ve changed.’
‘So have you.’
‘So have we all. Liv’s different. You’re different. I suppose even I’m different. Why?’
‘It’s because of Fintan, isn’t it?’
Katherine tried to find the words. ‘It’s something to do with him being sick. And I know all that stuff about seizing the day and making the most of every second is hard to sustain constantly,’ she admitted guiltily. ‘It’s so easy at times to forget and to take it all for granted.’
‘But there are other times when I look at him,’ Tara interrupted, ‘so young and so much nearer to death than me. Then I think, That could be me, and I feel… it makes me…’ She faltered, then smiled with enlightenment. ‘It makes me want to live a better life.’
‘That’s exactly it.’ Katherine was luminous and repeated, ‘It makes me want to live a better life.’
‘And going back to Thomas wasn’t living a better life,’ Tara said. ‘And neither is going out with a gobshite. And falling in love with Joe Roth is.’
‘Excu –’
‘Sorry, that’s none of my business. You haven’t changed completely,’ Tara said ruefully. ‘Do you want to know something else?’
‘What?’
‘I’m not sure I ever loved Thomas.’
‘Makes sense to me.’
‘And do you know why I didn’t love him?’
‘Why?’
‘Because I don’t think I ever got over Alasdair. So I’ve been thinking and do you know what?’
‘What?’
‘I’m going to give Alasdair a ring.’
Katherine’s heart sank. She’d known it was too good to be true. She’d been just about to return Tara’s mobile to her and all. Good job she hadn’t. ‘But he’s married,’ she tried. ‘It’s years since you’ve