Last Chance Saloon - Marian Keyes [185]
‘Oh, I don’t think we’ll get back together,’ Tara said breezily. ‘I just want to lay it to rest. And what better time than when I’m a size ten?’
Katherine looked very anxious.
‘Don’t worry,’ Tara soothed. ‘Even if I was desperate for a man – which I’m not – I’m going on a date on Saturday night. That girl at work I was telling you about, her boyfriend has a friend.’
‘Weren’t you supposed to do that ages ago?’
‘Yes, but she got the flu, then she was away, then I was busy, but we’re definitely going out this Saturday.’
Katherine prayed that Tara would forget about the Alasdair idea, or that she wouldn’t be able to track him down. But, to her alarm, Tara announced that she’d spoken to him, that he was still in the same job, and that she was meeting him for a drink after work on Thursday.
At nine thirty on Thursday night Joe and Katherine were watching telly and sharing a bottle of wine when Tara stomped in.
‘Well?’
‘He was fat, balding and blissfully happy. They have a little boy and his wife is expecting another baby in August.’
‘I see.’
‘I’d be lying to you, Katherine, if I didn’t say that a small part of me had been holding out some sort of hope.’
‘No kidding.’
‘I didn’t even realize it until I saw him.’
‘Well, there we are.’
‘Also, I wanted some answers. How could he go out with me for so long and then turn around and marry someone else so quickly. He said that he couldn’t explain. He just said that when he met what’s-her-name it felt completely right. He just knew.’
Katherine and Joe avoided looking at each other.
‘But you’d want to see him,’ Tara exclaimed. ‘I barely recognized him. He looks like someone’s dad. Alasdair, plump! Remember how wiry he used to be? Sorry, Joe, I forgot you don’t know him, but take it from me, he used to be as thin as a rake. Now he’s got love handles. I suppose that’s happiness for you. In fact, you’ve both put on a bit of weight yourselves.’
They shifted uncomfortably.
‘He said I was looking great.’
‘You are.’
‘But I could tell he didn’t really give a damn.’
‘Ah, well.’
‘So, this is one of me moving on with my life.’
‘Excellent.’
71
‘As a last resort, pretend that you’re gay,’ Lorcan harangued, ‘or that you’re having doubts about your sexuality.’
‘Why?’ Benjy asked. Surely that was the last thing you should do if you wanted to get a woman into bed?
‘Because,’ Lorcan sighed at Benjy’s stupidity, ‘a woman likes nothing better than to think that she was the one who cured a man of his homosexuality. It’s a challenge and an ego trip. She’ll hustle you into bed, asking, “Is this nice, is that nice?” and if you bonk her, instead of feeling besmirched she’ll think it’s a victory.’
‘If you’re sure.’ Benjy was doubtful. Lorcan’s advice never worked for him. Ever. He was still smarting from the memory of a party the previous weekend, where Lorcan had lent him his special, non-working lighter. Instead of the girl being charmed by Benjy’s eager vulnerability and his elaborate mortification when the lighter didn’t spark, she’d just sniffed, ‘Loser,’ and turned away.
Lorcan leant into the hall and yelled into Amy’s bedroom, ‘Tell us more about this Tara. She’s kind of, er, cuddly, you say?’
‘Yes. Although not as cuddly as she used to be. In fact, now that I think about it, not very much at all. And she’s really pretty…’
‘Yeah, whatever,’ Lorcan said, impatiently, and pushed the living-room door closed again. He did not want Amy to hear any of this. ‘Right, so she’s a fat girl.’
‘But Amy just said she wasn’t.’
‘She was being nice, trying to sell her to you. Anyway, you’re in luck, Benjy, my man.’
‘Am I?’ Benjy couldn’t see anything lucky about being matched with a fatty.
‘Yeah, I’ve a great technique for you, straight from the master’s lips. Listen up, Benjy, this is what you do. No need to say to this Tara, “Hey, you’re a fat girl! I’ll do you a pity shag.” Because she knows she’s fat, you know she’s fat, right? But without letting on that you think she could do with dropping a couple of stone, you complain about women always wanting to be skinny.