Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me - Chelsea's Family, Friends [64]
What’s worse than the e-mails she sends to other people is the way you find out what she’s done. Suddenly you start getting concerned voice mail messages from friends or family who are worried about your personal safety or your latest case of shingles.
When I found the e-mail that she’d sent to Rick, I was mortified. For the next six months, he insisted on communicating with me. He was suddenly adamant that we have face-to-face meetings. Although I was able to dodge a one-on-one dinner date, it was impossible not to run into him at Chelsea’s stand-up shows. He’d follow me around all night and compliment my walk, while I smiled and nodded and pretended not to want to strangle him. Part of me was flattered; nobody had ever told me that I had a nice walk before, but once I remembered he wouldn’t have been complimenting me if he didn’t think my underwear was on fire for him, I’d get pissed off again. And yet, no matter how irritated I got, I just didn’t have it in me to tell him that the e-mail had not been from me. I assumed he’d be more embarrassed than I was, especially once he recalled all of the times he had “accidentally” bumped into me with what I’m fairly certain was an erection.
Chelsea did nothing to help the situation. She knew that I was too terrified to confront Rick on his newfound creepiness, so she continued to egg him on. She would say things like “I think Eva has a crush on you…” to keep him interested. At one point Rick decided to tell Chelsea about the e-mail. Instead of coming clean, she played dumb.
“I can’t say I’m surprised that she wrote that,” Chelsea lied. “I think she really has it bad for you. She has some real horniness issues. She needs to unwind, and fucking is the only way she can do it.”
To this day Rick and I have not cleared the air on the issue. I never told him the truth, and he never directly asked me about the e-mail. After a while I felt that too much time had passed and it was best to just let it go. I also figured that once he was no longer handling her personal appearances, I didn’t have to worry about him handling anything personal of mine.
As I’m sure you can imagine, many of Chelsea’s friends and family members are on high alert when they receive any e-mail that contains sensitive-sounding material. She’s still able to fool most of us, but a few of the savvier people in her life have caught on to her. Her sister Simone is one of those people.
One afternoon I was searching through my e-mails for something I had sent to a club about one of Chelsea’s upcoming shows when I noticed an e-mail that had been sent to Simone. Knowing that I hadn’t e-mailed her that day, I felt instant panic. Great! What had “I” done this time? I opened the e-mail and read it.
From: Eva Magazine
To: Simone
Subject: Please Help Me
Hey Simone,
I was just wondering if you could talk to Chelsea for me.
She’s been really moody lately. I think she is stressed out about something. I feel weird telling you this, but she slapped me the other day. I don’t know how to approach her, and I’m worried something worse is going on. I’ve never been hit before. I wouldn’t care if it was just once, but obviously I don’t want it to graduate to a punch.
Please don’t tell her I e-mailed you, I have a wedding coming up and I don’t want a black eye.
Eva
Simone is a little more on top of things than Rick. Later that day, I received this response.
From: Simone
To: Eva Magazine
Subject: RE: Please Help Me
Uh, you had me at hello…“graduate to a punch?” Nice try, Chelsea.
Simone
P.S. Chels, it was a very solid effort (Shana was ready to fly out and save Eva)
Even though Simone has become quick enough to know when she is being Chelsea’d, a few others are still learning.
My adopted sisters (i.e., Chelsea’s sisters Shoshonna and Simone) and me. Whether she likes it or not, Chelsea is a sister to me. We care and worry about each other, we will always be there for each other no matter what, and we know how to make each other nuts.