Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me - Chelsea's Family, Friends [65]
Chelsea has a close friend and work colleague named Kevin. He and his partner, Brian, are two of Chelsea’s longtime friends and by far some of the nicest people I have ever met. They are gracious, caring, giving, and nurturing. They’ve always been so good to me and I adore them. They are the kind of people who don’t deserve to be fucked with. Unfortunately, Chelsea loves all of the people who are close to her equally. That means nobody gets special treatment… and nobody is safe. One afternoon I received this e-mail.
From: Kevin
To: Eva M.
Hi Eva,
Good to hear from you. We’d love to have dinner this week. Can you come to our house on Tuesday around 7:30 PM? Delicious has offered to cook! Not a common occurrence. Ha ha. If not, we’ll find another night.
And don’t worry; you can count on our complete discretion. We’ve both been there and understand how important your privacy is.
Looking forward to it.
I had no idea what Kevin was talking about. I hadn’t written to either of them in a while, so why would he be saying that it was “good to hear from” me? I know. Sometimes it still takes a few minutes for me to process the obvious. Once reality hit me, I went into my Sent folder to find out what kind of e-mail “I” had sent Kevin. My body went slightly numb when I found this.
From: Eva M.
To: Kevin
How are you? I was wondering if you and Brian were free any nights this week to maybe grab dinner at your place, and we could talk over a couple of things. I’ve always admired a couple that can make a same-sex partnership work and would love to get your thoughts and/or advice on that very topic. For now, I’d prefer to keep this confidential, as I feel it is a sensitive and challenging issue for me. I have not acted on any of my sexual impulses yet, but I am desperately yearning to and could really use the insight that the two of you have. Please let me know. Thanks so much!
I knew that Chelsea would be pretty pleased with herself that Kevin had responded to me the way he had, so I didn’t tell her. I also knew that she would never come to me and ask, so I figured I’d just let her sweat it out. It was like putting a piece of steak outside a lion’s cage and watching the lion desperately try to find a way to get to it. This was the only way I could give her any sort of payback.
As the days passed, she was obviously getting impatient because, as I later found out, she took matters into her own hands and decided to probe Kevin for a little information.
From: CH
To: Kevin
I hear there’s a secret lesbian coming over to the two big bears’ house to confess her love of COSLOPI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am dying to know the details. Can I come over and eavesdrop? I could hide in a closet… just like Eva’s been doing for years!
From: Kevin
To: CH
Hello, Chelsea.
Just as I would never divulge any of your confidences or betray your trust, I would appreciate you respecting the fact that I am also not at liberty to discuss anyone’s personal life. If somebody wants to talk to you about something, then they will. In the meantime if they choose to talk to me, I must keep that in confidence. I hope you can respect that.
Love,
Kevin
Chelsea was dying. She flew into a fit of laughter and peed her pants at her desk. Yes, she does that often and, yes, it’s disgusting. I cross my fingers that one day she’ll have her bladder checked out. When she finally pulled herself together she decided that she should put an end to the joke. Kevin was obviously taking the whole thing very seriously, and she thought it was time to let him know it was all a big lie. At least that’s what she told me; I think she just needed me to work that weekend and didn’t want to lose me to a fake brunch.
From: CH
To: Kevin
Oh, really, dickhead? You want to respect her privacy? First you need to learn to respect my ability to fuck with you. Who do you think sent the e-mail in the first place?
P.S. Your response to her was nice.