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that he’s a direct descendant of Socrates. The note’s sentiment is nice, and imagine his surprise when I use one of these very same quotes when I give the commencement speech at Emory University this spring, the college he graduated from and I was denied entry to.

P.S.: For the record, I didn’t get accepted into any college.

Chapter Twelve

Standards and Practices

S&P is the abbreviation for Standards and Practices. This is the department of Comcast Entertainment that reminds us on a daily basis to bleep bad words we say on our show, and the department that attempts to rein us in when we’ve crossed the line, language- or taste-wise. Every day after we tape an episode of Chelsea Lately, we receive an e-mail from someone named Tom O’Brien outlining what needs to happen before the show airs on the East Coast.

It is hard for me to take seriously any department that specializes in monitoring me. Much like the gays in the South, the more the powers that be say no, the more I say, “Fuck off.”

I have included what I consider to be the ten most amusing e-mail exchanges of this kind.

Sincerely,

Chesty

FROM: E! Entertainment Television

SENT: Monday, December 20, 2010, 1:50 PM

TO: Chelsea Lately Staff

SUBJECT: S&P Note for CL: jokes 5181

One S&P heads-up on today’s script:

TOPIC #4 Vagina Steaming

“Queef” will need to be bleeped, so you may want to lose the joke.

Thanks

FROM: E! Entertainment Television

SENT: Monday, October 11, 2010, 4:02 PM

TO: Chelsea Lately Staff

SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5141, taped 10-11-10

Hi everyone,

Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:

ROUNDTABLE

2:57: Welcome back. Let’s talk about fingering. When specifically used in a sexual context, we can’t go there. But a line like “This is as close as any girl is going to get to one of his fingers” is OK because that could mean a lot of things. In the lower 3rds, describing his new nail polish line as a “finger blast,” it could be argued that you’re talking about the bright color. (When “finger blast” is used in a sexual context, however, the phrase would have to be bleeped.) Well done. However, Chris’ line about “having Justin Bieber’s fingers in your daughter’s vagina” paints too explicit a picture. Please lose the line. Thanks.

2:58: Please completely bleep “fucking” in “That wouldn’t fucking help us.”

3:00: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Shit that goes down there.”

3:02: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “Fuck you.”

3:09: Please completely bleep “shit” in “Oh shit, you’re right.”

TRACE ADKINS

3:16: Please completely bleep “fucking” in “He’s a real fucking mess.”

3:19: Please completely bleep “cock” in “Instead of saying cock…”

Thanks

FROM: E! Entertainment Television

SENT: Thursday, July 22, 2010, 4:17 PM

TO: Chelsea Lately Staff

SUBJECT: S&P notes for Chelsea Lately #5100, taped 7-22-10

Hi everyone,

Here are the S&P notes for today’s show:

ROUNDTABLE

3:11: Please completely bleep “shit” in “I’m too old for this shit.”

3:13: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “He should fuck Britney Spears.”

3:14: Please completely bleep “fucking” in “You should fucking end it.”

3:15: Please completely bleep “shit” in “beat the shit out of his fiancée.”

3:19: Please completely bleep “fucked” in “doubly fucked.”

3:20: Please completely bleep “fuck” in “go fuck herself.”

3:21: Please completely bleep “fucked” in “fucked somebody’s wife.”

ARSENIO HALL

3:29: With regard to our previous discussions with Ted about using “shuttlecock” as a euphemism for penis (“shuttlecock” alone is OK but, when “cock” is paired with a word like “suck” as in “suck my shuttlecock,” it’s not, because of the sexual context), please lose Arsenio’s “suck her Cochran” joke.

3:30: Please completely bleep “nigger” in “Put the nigger on the toilet.”

3:30: Please completely bleep “shit” in “I don’t give a shit.”

Thanks

FROM: E! Entertainment Television

SENT: Tuesday,