Lies That Chelsea Handler Told Me - Chelsea's Family, Friends [81]
3:23: Please completely bleep “shit” in “I think I’m a fat piece of “shit.”
3:24: Please completely bleep “fags” and “fag hags” in “fags and fag hags fighting.”
3:24: Please completely bleep “fags” and “fag hags” in “fags and fag hags together—there are going to be fights.”
3:24: Please completely bleep “fag hag” in “Have you ever been a fag hag?”
3:24: Please completely bleep “fag hag” in “I am the biggest fag hag in the world.”
3:24: Please completely bleep “fag hag” in “You are, you are a fag hag.”
3:24: Please completely bleep “fag hag” in “I am such a fag hag.”
3:24: Please completely bleep “fag hag” and “jerking off” in “I’m such a fag hag, now they’re jerking off to me.”
3:25: The 9.2 inch penis discussion. Please cut back per above.
3:25: Because it is used in a sexual context as a substitute for “penis,” please completely bleep “poppycock.”
3:26: We can get back into the interview around Chelsea’s “putting things in your mouth” line.
Thanks
FROM: Chelsea Lately Staff
SENT: Wednesday, August 04, 2010, 1:09 PM
TO: E! Entertainment Television
SUBJECT: For approval, closing joke 5107
I tried to Tweet this photo this weekend and Twitter turned it down. Fortunately I have another outlet here at the E! Network. Suck on this Twitter.
Since my publisher is also preventing me from printing the photo due to its content, I will give you a full description. The photo is of three elderly men naked in bed together. Two are lying next to each other and French kissing; one man’s hand is on the right breast of the recipient of the kiss, and the third gentleman is performing oral on the man who is getting his breast massaged while also getting a tongue in his mouth.
Obviously, this is what love is. Beautiful, natural, elderly love. The photo is called the Lemon Party. I highly recommend you Google it.
FROM: E! Entertainment Television
SENT: Wednesday, August 04, 2010, 1:49 PM
TO: Chelsea Lately Staff
SUBJECT: RE: For approval, closing joke 5107
Sorry, folks, but this photo isn’t even remotely suitable for air. Please find another closing joke.
FROM: E! Entertainment Television
SENT: Monday, November 08, 2010, 2:26 PM
TO: Chelsea Lately Staff
SUBJECT: S&P Notes for CL: daily topics
Where to begin with Topic #2? And how do we keep this from going badly very quickly?
Since the topic is cunnilingus and the context is only sexual, all of our usual euphemisms (spicy tuna, dining at the Y, etc.) don’t work here and will have to be bleeped or removed.
Just as we have to bleep both “suck” and “dick” in any topic about fellatio, in any jokes that contain the phrase “eat my pussy,” both “eat” and “pussy” will have to be bleeped. This includes “eat my blank” (only indicates a sexual context) and the “Eat-vite” joke. (Again, there’s no food context, so it only means cunnilingus.)
The “smell my finger” joke in this sexual context paints too graphic a picture. Please lose the joke.
In the past, Chelsea has usually sensed when the jokes are getting too explicit and tries to steer it away. That would be the best course of action today as well.
Thanks
No. Thank you, Comcast Entertainment.
—Chelsea
Chapter Thirteen
Raise the Woof
CHUNK
Me taking a dump.
The extent to which Mom will lie has no limits. She lies to her friends, her coworkers, her family… even to her dog. I’m Chunk Handler and I’m Chelsea’s dog. I am half-Asian and half-German shepherd. Please don’t try to adjust the pages of this book. You read that correctly: I’m a dog. I have thoughts, dreams, and feelings all my own, and this is my story about the last time Mom pulled the dog fur over my eyes.
It was at our old place, sometime ago, and I was in the middle of another “home-school obedience lesson.” Her then-boyfriend was constantly training me to “sit,” “stay,” and “heel.” He always spoke real loud and slow, as if I’d just stepped off the short bus. So, as I said, he was trying to get me to do some dumb