Lies & the Lying Liars Who Tell Them_ A Fair & Balanced Look at the Right - Al Franken [124]
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The Waitress and the Lawyer: A One-Act Play
In a radio address on February 3, 2001, President Bush said:
Picture a diner in one of our cities. At the table is a lawyer with two children. She earns $250,000 a year. Carrying her coffee and toast is a waitress who has two children of her own. She earns $25,000 a year. If both the lawyer and the waitress get a raise, it is the waitress who winds up paying a higher marginal tax rate. She will give back almost half of every extra dollar she earns to the government.
Both of these women, the lawyer and the waitress, deserve a tax cut. Under my plan, both of these women, and all Americans who pay taxes, will get one. For the waitress, our plan will wipe out her income tax bill entirely.
On May 30, 2003, Al Franken’s The Waitress and the Lawyer was presented at the Belasco Theater in New York. It was directed by Mike Nichols, with the following cast:
DONNA Drew Barrymore
ALLISON Helen Hunt
URBAN COWBOY Brian Dennehy
Scenery and lighting by Alex Jones, costumes by Edie Holway. The action of the play takes place in a diner in Houston, Texas, on April 14, 2003. It was performed without intermission.
The Waitress and the Lawyer
A One-Act Play
by Al Franken
(from an idea by George W. Bush)
Set: A clean, well-lit diner. It’s eleven at night. ALLISON, a slim, well-dressed lawyer in her middle thirties, sets herself down at the counter. DONNA, a plump waitress in her late twenties, approaches with a pot of coffee and a friendly smile.
DONNA: Can I help you, sug?
ALLISON: Yes, please. Double cappuccino and a biscotti.
DONNA: Sorry. How ’bout coffee and a slice a pie?
ALLISON: No pie for me. I’m on a diet.
DONNA: You, on a diet! If I had your figure, I’d have pie for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
(They share a laugh.)
ALLISON: Oh, what the hell! That lemon meringue looks great. Besides, it’s gonna be a long night.
DONNA: You workin’ the night shift, too?
ALLISON: Well, in a manner of speaking. I’m a tax attorney and April’s my busiest month.
DONNA: Well, don’t look for any business from me. Thanks to President Bush, I won’t be paying any taxes this year.
(ALLISON laughs as DONNA pours her a cup of joe.)
ALLISON: You mean income taxes, Donna? Do you mind if I call you Donna? I read your name tag.
DONNA: Sure, sug.
ALLISON: Donna, how much do you make?
DONNA: Well . . .
ALLISON: C’mon, just between us gals.
DONNA: Twenty-five thousand.
ALLISON: Wow. That puts you in the top 10 percent of all waitresses. And how much in tips?
DONNA: That’s including tips. I report every cent. In this country, if you play by the rules and work hard, you can make a better life for yourself.
(ALLISON laughs again, spraying her coffee all over the counter.)
ALLISON: I’m so sorry.
DONNA: Don’t worry about it, sug. I’ll wipe that up. But what’s so funny?
ALLISON: It’s just that what you said is so sweet and naive. Sure, you’re getting a $365 cut in your income tax, but you’re forgetting the $3,825 that was withheld in payroll taxes.
DONNA: Oh, I don’t mind the payroll taxes, because I’ll get back every cent in Social Security and Medicare when I retire.
ALLISON: Honey. Bush raided the Social Security and Medicare trust funds to pay for my tax cut.
DONNA: He did?
ALLISON: Yes. He took a $4.6 trillion ten-year projected surplus and turned it into a $1.8 trillion deficit. Let me show you what I’m talking about.
(ALLISON empties the salt shaker onto the counter.)
ALLISON: Let’s say this pile of salt is the surplus that we had under Clinton. And . . .
(ALLISON tears open a packet of sugar and pours it on the counter, as well.)
ALLISON: And this pile of sugar represents the Bush defici—
(DONNA eyes the growing mess, half listening.)
DONNA: Would you mind not doing that?
ALLISON: Sorry. My point is that eventually someone is going to have to replace all that sugar