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But put their contentment and good cheer to the side for a moment, and consider: Why is it that journalists are only one fifth as likely as the general public to have a negative view of NAFTA? And why does every major news outlet line up in favor of every opportunity to expand free trade?

It’s simple, actually. Here’s how free trade works. Tariffs on imports go down, and along with them go prices on products that journalists buy, like those fedoras you always see in the movies. That’s the upside. The downside of free trade is that low-skilled fedora-making jobs get exported overseas. So lower prices for consumers, but job insecurity for those with low skills.

(now go back to previous page)

Journalists are pro free trade precisely because they know that their jobs are not at risk for exportation. That’s the same reason why I’ve always been pro NAFTA, pro GATT, and pro fast track authority. I know that a fourteen-year-old Bangladeshi might be able to sew my sneakers (and he did a great job), but there’s no way he could write this book.

Or so I thought.

When I was explaining the idea for this chapter to my editor, Mitch, it gave him an idea. Why not save a few bucks and have a fourteen-year-old Bangladeshi boy write the book? Fortunately for me, his first attempt proved my point. Try as he might, Kharap Juta could not capture my hip, sophisticated New York sensibility. But judge for yourself.

10

Chapter for American Book

by Kharap Juta

My job in the factory is very hard. I am made to stitch shoes for many hours. It is hard for me to stitch, but the men do not care. Yesterday, I punctured my finger on the machine. I tried to squeeze it, but the bleeding would not stop. When I asked the men to let me go see the nurse at the mission hospital, they hit me with insoles.

My twelve-year-old sister Choto began to yell at the men. I told her to be quiet and return to her work. The men told me that if she causes trouble again, they will fire her, and she will have to become a prostitute.

I am dizzy with hunger.

11

I’m Funnier than Kharap Juta

See. That isn’t funny. Kharap’s no threat to me. In professional comedy the technical term for writers like Kharap Juta is “talentless hack.” Kharap, a word of advice from a guy who’s been in the business twice as long as you’ve been alive: As long as you’re going for the easy laugh with your Choto gag, the word is “hooker.” Never use “prostitute” when you can use “hooker.” Unless you’re doing a corporate gig. In which case, the phrase is “world’s oldest profession.” What I’m trying to get at here is: Keep your day job, kid. Or in your case, your day-and-night job.

There. I’ve put the kid in his place. The fact is, free trade may not be good for everybody. It may not be good for you, my reader, or for the Kharap Jutas of this world, of which there are three or four billion. But it is good for people in journalism and for people in the entertainment industry. People like me, Haley Joel Osment, and Bill O’Reilly.

12

The Chapter on Fox

They Distort, We Deride

or

We Retort, They Have Lied

or

They Purport, We Decry

or

They Are Short1, We Have Plied2

or

Smorty Smort, Blort Deblort

Now that TeamFranken has proven that there’s no liberal bias in the mainstream media, we can move on to the right-wing media.

I should start by telling you that when I first proposed this book, my publisher turned me down flat. The year was 1986, and at that point, just about all the right-wing media was in print: the Wall Street Journal editorial page, the Washington Times, the National Review, et cetera. My publisher made the point that even the thousands of people who read books got most of their news from television. My book on the lies of the right-wing media would have to wait until there was a whole network devoted to right-wing lies.

The Fox News Channel was launched by Rupert Murdoch on October 6, 1996, with Roger Ailes at its helm. Both Murdoch and Ailes are colorful men. In Murdoch’s case, the color is green. Or magenta, the color