Life and Laughing_ My Story - Michael McIntyre [88]
‘I can’t, Michael,’ she said, adamantly.
‘This is a massive night for me and I want you to be there, you should be there,’ I continued.
‘I don’t understand why. Why can’t I just come to another gig? I’ve been asking to come to your gigs before and you wouldn’t let me, what’s so special about this one. What’s the big deal? You’re overreacting,’ she said.
She was right. I was overreacting. I was in love with her and I was pinning my hopes on this one night that I had fantasized about so much that I had convinced myself it was becoming a reality. But it wasn’t reality. The reality was obvious. She liked me, but not enough, and not even as much as this other guy. Seeing me have a triumphant gig at the Comedy Store wasn’t going to change that. I was wasting my time here. I realized that just like every other girl I had feelings for while growing up, she just didn’t quite feel the same way. I wasn’t going to give up, I couldn’t, I loved her. But after that conversation, I stopped dreaming.
I had a job to do. This Comedy Store night was massive for me. I had invited friends to see me and if I had another good gig, Don Ward could catapult me up the comedy ladder. In my desperation to make this happen, I made a terrible decision that reflected my lack of experience. I decided to perform a completely new set. Don had heard my jokes. I thought that performing a brand new ten minutes would be the most impressive thing to do. So I went on with untried and untested material and died a thunderous death onstage, in front of all my friends. It’s one thing dying on a bill of ‘open spots’ because most of them are having a similar experience. But at the Comedy Store, where the standard is so high, it’s horrific. It was just as painful for the audience as it was for me.
Even today, if I tried to write a brand-new ten minutes and perform it at the Comedy Store, I would struggle, guaranteed. So imagine how awful it was. The only salvation was that Kitty was out with ‘it’s complicated’ guy. Suddenly I was thrilled that she had another man in her life and we were ‘just good friends’.
Oh, and I nearly forgot, somebody in the audience shouted, ‘You’re shit.’ Like I needed confirmation from this arsehole. I’m losing all my dignity, humiliating myself in front of 400 people, but this guy felt that wasn’t enough. Welcome to the world of stand-up comedy: when it works, there’s nothing better, and when it doesn’t, there’s nothing worse.
This time when I returned to the dressing room, the other comedians ignored me entirely. The door opened a few times, but it wasn’t Don. Don wasn’t coming this time. I couldn’t bear to face my friends, so I just slipped out. I had no future bookings and no chance of any – maybe in a year, if I was lucky. What a dramatic turnaround. My dad said this was the toughest job there is, and I had just found out why.
You’re only as good as your last gig.
It was important to get back in the saddle as soon as possible, so I performed at a series of open-mike nights with varying success. I just couldn’t make myself nearly as funny onstage as I could offstage. Having blown my big chance at the Comedy Store, my opportunities to progress were now limited. I telephoned Jongleurs Comedy Club. Jongleurs is a chain of clubs throughout the UK; they have open spots at their London clubs in Camden and Battersea. Again, I was given a spot in a year at their Camden club. This time I hoped I wouldn’t get a phone call back. So I had that in the diary to work towards, and I also had the new-act competitions. I entered four competitions, the Hackney Empire ‘New Act of the Year’, the Daily Telegraph ‘New Act of the Year’, the BBC ‘New Comedian of the Year’ and ‘So You Think You’re Funny?’ run by Channel 4. Over the years the winners of these competitions have included the likes of Peter Kay, Alan Carr, Rhod Gilbert, Lee Mack and Dylan Moran.
To give you an idea of the standard of comedy I was producing at this time, I was knocked out in the first round of the Hackney one, the Telegraph one and the BBC