Life! By Design_ 6 Steps to an Extraordinary You - Laura Morton [52]
Enablers like or are willing to accept things as they are. They’re comfortable with the status quo. They’ve been there before and know how to keep you mired in your addictions. If you want to break free from living by default, you have to recognize the enablers in your life; they are more than likely part of the problem. Or you may be the enabler in someone else’s life.
Most research talks about the characteristics of an enabler as it pertains to substance abuse or addiction, but several of those traits carry over to what keeps you living by default. Common to all enablers is any behavior that violates your internal value system, resulting in feelings of guilt, remorse, and self-loathing, and then is justified with rationalizations. Statements such as, “Last night wasn’t that bad,” “I’ve seen Jack angrier than that before,” and “If you were in my shoes, you’d understand why I do what I do” are all projected causes that an individual believes to be true. Enablers want to shield or protect themselves from their own circumstances. Unfortunately, their well-intentioned or self-protective behavior plays a large role in keeping both people stuck in their destructive behaviors. Continual use of these rationalizations results in both people losing touch with reality. So, what really happens is that both people brand their own reality, which becomes comfortable, easier than dealing with the truth, and habitual. It’s their routine, the story they tell themselves.
We all know couples who thrive on drama, right? The wife is always fifteen minutes late and the husband is angry about it every time. Monday you’re employed and by Friday you’re not. You make love to your spouse on Saturday night thinking that life has never been better together, and on Sunday morning she tells you she wants a divorce.
Truth is circumstantial. What is true on Monday may not be true on Friday. The goal is to live in your truth every day. If both people keep the codependent relationship as is, they end up supporting each other’s misunderstanding of the true nature of their problems. The result is that they are both engaged in a successful self-deception that allows the issues to remain hidden, and they continue as they always have.
Whether you are the enabler or the one being enabled, the best way to stop the detrimental cycle is to become aware of its existence.
SURE SIGNS OF ENABLING BEHAVIORS
•You find yourself worrying that someone cannot handle a situation without you.
•You are consumed with other people’s lives.
•You excuse or rationalize someone’s unacceptable behavior.
•You want to reduce someone’s discomfort by constantly providing for them.
•You are overprotective.
•You feel responsible for everyone else.
•You feel manipulated but do nothing to change your circumstances.
•You believe you are the only person who understands him/her.
•You always make yourself available on a moment’s notice, even when you don’t have time.
•You see characteristics of yourself in him/her.
If you’re an enabler, you must take responsibility for being part of the cause and effect.
Several years ago I decided that people who wanted me to lie for them were not people I wanted in my life. I would only be enabling or reinforcing their bad behavior, which I had no interest in doing. A buddy asked me to lie about extramarital affairs he was having. He’d call me up and say, “If my wife asks you where we were yesterday, just tell her we were in a meeting all day.”
Every time he called, I explained that his request made me very uncomfortable and my MO wasn’t to perpetuate lies for anyone. If I complied with his requests, his affairs would become part of my life, inviting unnecessary drama and aggravation that I simply didn’t want or need to take on. Further, doing so would make me an enabler, someone who contributed to his bad behavior. I make a living helping people break those cycles, not continue them. When I expressed how I felt, he interpreted me as being confrontational. But I stood firm because