Lincoln's Yarns and Stories [162]
story on President Lincoln. Said he:
"I was with several other young officers, also carrying reports to the War Department, and one morning we were late. In this instance we were in a desperate hurry to deliver the papers, in order to be able to catch the train returning to camp.
"On the winding, dark staircase of the old War Department, which many will remember, it was our misfortune, while taking about three stairs at a time, to run a certain head like a catapult into the body of the President, striking him in the region of the right lower vest pocket.
"The usual surprised and relaxed grunt of a man thus assailed came promptly.
"We quickly sent an apology in the direction of the dimly seen form, feeling that the ungracious shock was expensive, even to the humblest clerk in the department.
"A second glance revealed to us the President as the victim of the collision. Then followed a special tender of 'ten thousand pardons,' and the President's reply:
"'One's enough; I wish the whole army would charge like that.'"
"UNCLE ABRAHAM" HAD EVERYTHING READY.
"You can't do anything with them Southern fellows," the old man at the table was saying.
"If they get whipped, they'll retreat to them Southern swamps and bayous along with the fishes and crocodiles. You haven't got the fish-nets made that'll catch 'em."
"Look here, old gentleman," remarked President Lincoln, who was sitting alongside, "we've got just the nets for traitors, in the bayous or anywhere."
"Hey? What nets?"
"Bayou-nets!" and "Uncle Abraham" pointed his joke with his fork, spearing a fishball savagely.
NOT AS SMOOTH AS HE LOOKED.
Mr. Lincoln's skill in parrying troublesome questions was wonderful. Once he received a call from Congressman John Ganson, of Buffalo, one of the ablest lawyers in New York, who, although a Democrat, supported all of Mr. Lincoln's war measures. Mr. Ganson wanted explanations. Mr. Ganson was very bald with a perfectly smooth face. He had a most direct and aggressive way of stating his views or of demanding what he thought he was entitled to. He said: "Mr. Lincoln, I have supported all of your measures and think I am entitled to your confidence. We are voting and acting in the dark in Congress, and I demand to know--think I have the right to ask and to know--what is the present situation, and what are the prospects and conditions of the several campaigns and armies."
Mr. Lincoln looked at him critically for a moment and then said: "Ganson, how clean you shave!"
Most men would have been offended, but Ganson was too broad and intelligent a man not to see the point and retire at once, satisfied, from the field.
A SMALL CROP.
Chauncey M. Depew says that Mr. Lincoln told him the following story, which he claimed was one of the best two things he ever originated: He was trying a case in Illinois where he appeared for a prisoner charged with aggravated assault and battery. The complainant had told a horrible story of the attack, which his appearance fully justified, when the District Attorney handed the witness over to Mr. Lincoln, for cross-examination. Mr. Lincoln said he had no testimony, and unless he could break down the complainant's story he saw no way out. He had come to the conclusion that the witness was a bumptious man, who rather prided himself upon his smartness in repartee and, so, after looking at him for some minutes, he said:
"Well, my friend, how much ground did you and my client here fight over?"
The fellow answered: "About six acres."
"Well," said Mr. Lincoln, "don't you think that this is an almighty small crop of fight to gather from such a big piece of ground?"
The jury laughed. The Court and District-Attorney and complainant all joined in, and the case was laughed out of court.
"NEVER REGRET WHAT YOU DON'T WRITE."
A simple remark one of the party might make would remind Mr. Lincoln of an apropos story.
Secretary of the Treasury Chase happened to remark, "Oh, I am so sorry that I did not write a letter to Mr. So-and-so before I left home!"
"I was with several other young officers, also carrying reports to the War Department, and one morning we were late. In this instance we were in a desperate hurry to deliver the papers, in order to be able to catch the train returning to camp.
"On the winding, dark staircase of the old War Department, which many will remember, it was our misfortune, while taking about three stairs at a time, to run a certain head like a catapult into the body of the President, striking him in the region of the right lower vest pocket.
"The usual surprised and relaxed grunt of a man thus assailed came promptly.
"We quickly sent an apology in the direction of the dimly seen form, feeling that the ungracious shock was expensive, even to the humblest clerk in the department.
"A second glance revealed to us the President as the victim of the collision. Then followed a special tender of 'ten thousand pardons,' and the President's reply:
"'One's enough; I wish the whole army would charge like that.'"
"UNCLE ABRAHAM" HAD EVERYTHING READY.
"You can't do anything with them Southern fellows," the old man at the table was saying.
"If they get whipped, they'll retreat to them Southern swamps and bayous along with the fishes and crocodiles. You haven't got the fish-nets made that'll catch 'em."
"Look here, old gentleman," remarked President Lincoln, who was sitting alongside, "we've got just the nets for traitors, in the bayous or anywhere."
"Hey? What nets?"
"Bayou-nets!" and "Uncle Abraham" pointed his joke with his fork, spearing a fishball savagely.
NOT AS SMOOTH AS HE LOOKED.
Mr. Lincoln's skill in parrying troublesome questions was wonderful. Once he received a call from Congressman John Ganson, of Buffalo, one of the ablest lawyers in New York, who, although a Democrat, supported all of Mr. Lincoln's war measures. Mr. Ganson wanted explanations. Mr. Ganson was very bald with a perfectly smooth face. He had a most direct and aggressive way of stating his views or of demanding what he thought he was entitled to. He said: "Mr. Lincoln, I have supported all of your measures and think I am entitled to your confidence. We are voting and acting in the dark in Congress, and I demand to know--think I have the right to ask and to know--what is the present situation, and what are the prospects and conditions of the several campaigns and armies."
Mr. Lincoln looked at him critically for a moment and then said: "Ganson, how clean you shave!"
Most men would have been offended, but Ganson was too broad and intelligent a man not to see the point and retire at once, satisfied, from the field.
A SMALL CROP.
Chauncey M. Depew says that Mr. Lincoln told him the following story, which he claimed was one of the best two things he ever originated: He was trying a case in Illinois where he appeared for a prisoner charged with aggravated assault and battery. The complainant had told a horrible story of the attack, which his appearance fully justified, when the District Attorney handed the witness over to Mr. Lincoln, for cross-examination. Mr. Lincoln said he had no testimony, and unless he could break down the complainant's story he saw no way out. He had come to the conclusion that the witness was a bumptious man, who rather prided himself upon his smartness in repartee and, so, after looking at him for some minutes, he said:
"Well, my friend, how much ground did you and my client here fight over?"
The fellow answered: "About six acres."
"Well," said Mr. Lincoln, "don't you think that this is an almighty small crop of fight to gather from such a big piece of ground?"
The jury laughed. The Court and District-Attorney and complainant all joined in, and the case was laughed out of court.
"NEVER REGRET WHAT YOU DON'T WRITE."
A simple remark one of the party might make would remind Mr. Lincoln of an apropos story.
Secretary of the Treasury Chase happened to remark, "Oh, I am so sorry that I did not write a letter to Mr. So-and-so before I left home!"