Lincoln's Yarns and Stories [28]
Lincoln loved anything that savored of wit or humor among the soldiers. He used to relate two stories to show, he said, that neither death nor danger could quench the grim humor of the American soldier:
"A soldier of the Army of the Potomac was being carried to the rear of battle with both legs shot off, who, seeing a pie-woman, called out, 'Say, old lady, are them pies sewed or pegged?'
"And there was another one of the soldiers at the battle of Chancellorsville, whose regiment, waiting to be called into the fight, was taking coffee. The hero of the story put to his lips a crockery mug which he had carried with care through several campaigns. A stray bullet, just missing the tinker's head, dashed the mug into fragments and left only the handle on his finger. Turning his head in that direction, he scowled, 'Johnny, you can't do that again!'"
BAD TIME FOR A BARBECUE.
Captain T. W. S. Kidd of Springfield was the crier of the court in the days when Mr. Lincoln used to ride the circuit.
"I was younger than he," says Captain Kidd, "but he had a sort of admiration for me, and never failed to get me into his stories. I was a story-teller myself in those days, and he used to laugh very heartily at some of the stories I told him.
"Now and then he got me into a good deal of trouble. I was a Democrat, and was in politics more or less. A good many of our Democratic voters at that time were Irishmen. They came to Illinois in the days of the old canal, and did their honest share in making that piece of internal improvement an accomplished fact.
"One time Mr. Lincoln told the story of one of those important young fellows--not an Irishman--who lived in every town, and have the cares of state on their shoulders. This young fellow met an Irishman on the street, and called to him, officiously: 'Oh, Mike, I'm awful glad I met you. We've got to do something to wake up the boys. The campaign is coming on, and we've got to get out voters. We've just had a meeting up here, and we're going to have the biggest barbecue that ever was heard of in Illinois. We are going to roast two whole oxen, and we're going to have Douglas and Governor Cass and some one from Kentucky, and all the big Democratic guns, and we're going to have a great big time.'
"'By dad, that's good!' says the Irishman. 'The byes need stirrin' up.'
"'Yes, and you're on one of the committees, and you want to hustle around and get them waked up, Mike.'
"'When is the barbecue to be?' asked Mike.
"'Friday, two weeks.'
"'Friday, is it? Well, I'll make a nice committeeman, settin' the barbecue on a day with half of the Dimocratic party of Sangamon county can't ate a bite of mate. Go on wid ye.'
"Lincoln told that story in one of his political speeches, and when the laugh was over he said: 'Now, gentlemen, I know that story is true, for Tom Kidd told it to me.' And then the Democrats would make trouble for me for a week afterward, and I'd have to explain."
HE'D SEE IT AGAIN.
About two years before Lincoln was nominated for the Presidency he went to Bloomington, Illinois, to try a case of some importance. His opponent--who afterward reached a high place in his profession--was a young man of ability, sensible but sensitive, and one to whom the loss of a case was a great blow. He therefore studied hard and made much preparation.
This particular case was submitted to the jury late at night, and, although anticipating a favorable verdict, the young attorney spent a sleepless night in anxiety. Early next morning he learned, to his great chagrin, that he had lost the case.
Lincoln met him at the court-house some time after the jury had come in, and asked him what had become of his case.
With lugubrious countenance and in a melancholy tone the young man replied, "It's gone to hell."
"Oh, well," replied Lincoln, "then you will see it again."
CALL ANOTHER WITNESS.
When arguing a case in court, Mr. Lincoln never used a word which the dullest juryman could not understand. Rarely, if ever, did a Latin term creep into his arguments.