Lion's Bride - Iris Johansen [67]
Thea nodded. “As soon as I leave Lord Ware. Come to my chamber.”
“I’ll try to bring Tasza.” She started toward the servants’ quarters. “It would be easier for her to learn from you than me.”
That was all she needed, Thea thought wearily—a difficult confrontation with Ware and then a lesson with a sulky, rebellious Tasza.
She braced herself, then strode quickly down the long corridor toward the Great Hall. She had deliberately kept herself from thinking about Ware or the words he had spoken last night. They brought a twisting pain that filled her with too much confusion and sadness. She must not think now. She must just reiterate her refusal and leave him.
He turned away from the window when he heard her steps. “It took you long enough. Where were you hiding?”
“I wasn’t hiding. I was tending the trees.”
“All day?”
She brushed the question aside. “What do you wish of me?”
“I told you what I wished.” He lifted his hand as she opened her lips to speak. “Don’t worry, I’m no longer out of my senses. I’ve no intention of either coupling with you or getting you with child.” He smiled sardonically as he added, “Today. I don’t speak for tomorrow. I woke this morning full of guilt and torment, but I can’t be sure it will last.”
She felt oddly deflated. After bracing herself to resist him, he had changed again and made resistance unnecessary. “Such conduct was most selfish of you.”
“I’m a selfish man. You should know that by now.”
A truly selfish man would not be tormented by guilt at taking what he wanted most in the world. By the saints, she was making excuses for him again, she realized with exasperation. “You can be very selfish…on occasion.”
He waved away her words. “But that’s not why I asked Jasmine to find you. I wanted to tell you that I’m going to Acre tomorrow. I’m leaving Abdul here to watch over you, but you’re not to leave the castle. Do you understand?”
“Acre?” she asked, startled. “Why?”
“To seek word of Kadar.”
“You said that it wasn’t unusual for him to take this long.”
“It’s not unusual.”
“Then why are you going?”
“It will do no harm to give Kadar and your sister safe escort back to Dundragon.”
“You didn’t think Kadar needed an escort when he left here. Why should it be necessary now?”
“Because I wish to go,” he snapped. “Stop questioning me. I’d think you’d like to see the last of me for a while.”
The last of him. Sudden fear iced through her. Every time he left the castle, there was a possibility it might be his last. “Not when you ride foolishly into danger for no reason.”
“I’m taking a small force.”
“And will that be enough if you’re attacked?”
“Of course it will. Do you think I’d let anything happen to my men?”
“No, you’d probably tell them to leave you and let yourself be cut down.” She tried to steady her voice. “It’s stupid for you to go when it’s not necessary.”
“It is necessary.”
“Why? When you said—”
“Dammit, because it will happen again.” His eyes were suddenly blazing down at her. “I have to get away from you. Some night I’ll drink too much and I’ll come to your bed. I want it too much. I want you too much.”
“So you would die for lust? You’d die for a child who doesn’t exist?” She wanted to shake him. “You said you were back in your senses, but I see no sign of it.”
“I’m not going out to die. I’m going to Acre to escort Kadar and your sister to Dundragon.”
“And risk your life doing it. You’re a stupid, stupid man.”
“Not only selfish but stupid.” He started for the door. “I’d best go before I become more of a monster than I am already.”
He was leaving her. Tomorrow he was leaving Dundragon. “Wait!”
He stopped and looked at her.
“This is madness,” she whispered. “Don’t go.”
“I can do nothing else,” he said haltingly. “I’ve hurt too many people already. I find…I cannot hurt you, too.”
She was shaking, she realized, as she watched him leave the room. She was cold and shaking with a knot twisting in the pit of her stomach. She wanted to strike out at him. She wanted to yell and scream.
She wanted to hold and comfort him.
It was