Lion's Bride - Iris Johansen [68]
She knew why he would not listen. She understood him now, and she wished with her whole heart that she did not. She should not have allowed herself to come this close, but she could not hold at a distance someone she had embraced in friendship. It was not possible.
Any more than it was possible for her to let him ride out of Dundragon tomorrow into danger.
Her hand was trembling on the candlestick as she moved down the dark corridor. Her shadow looked small and fragile in the light cast on the stone walls. Mother of God, what was she doing? She wanted to run back to her own chamber and jump into bed and pull the covers over her head. He might not even be alone. She had purposely waited until the middle of the night, but Ware’s lust was great, and he might still be engaged in coupling.
Well, she could not help it if he was. She paused outside his chamber, drew a deep breath, and then threw open the door. “Wake up. I must talk to you.”
“I wasn’t asleep.” Ware sat up in bed and watched her impassively as she came into the chamber and closed the door. “But I have no desire to talk. We’ve said what we had to say.”
There was no woman in his bed, she saw with relief. “You are alone?”
“Obviously.”
“Will she be back?”
“Who?” Then he smiled crookedly as he understood. “No, I sent for no woman tonight.”
“Why not?”
“Perhaps I’ve decided to embrace once again a monk’s abstinence.”
She grunted with derision.
“And it’s none of your concern what my reasons were.”
“It’s my concern if she comes back while I’m here. It’s bad enough that I must do this, I refuse to share your bed.”
He went still. “Share?”
She glanced away from him as she set the candlestick on the table by the bed. Her chest was constricted and she was finding it hard to breathe. Get it over. It would be better when all was settled. She took off her sandals, then pulled her gown over her head and dropped it onto the floor. “Move over.”
He didn’t move. “What is this?” he asked hoarsely.
“It would appear evident to anyone who is not a monk, and you are certainly not that.” Since he had not made room for her, she went around to the other side of the bed and slipped beneath the cover. “I’ll not have your blood on my hands. I have other things to do with my life than sit and brood and wonder if I could have stopped this nonsense. I will stop it.”
“Get out of my bed.”
“Touch me.”
Every muscle of his body appeared rigid and locked in place. “I told you that I’d changed my mind.”
“And in the next breath that you were leaving to avoid temptation. If you yield to temptation, there will be no reason for you to leave.” He still did not move, and she didn’t think she could bear the tension much longer.
“Touch me.”
“I won’t have you sacrificing your life for—”
“I’m sacrificing nothing. I won’t let anyone deprive me of one thing that I value. Not my life, or my freedom, or anything else. I do this because I choose to do it. You wish my body? Take it. I’m not like my mother. I’ll be the same after the coupling is over.”
“You may not be the same.” He muttered, “I’ll probably do my best to make sure that you’re not.”
“A child?” She shrugged. “I’ll leave it in God’s hands. I like children, and I’d find a way to protect myself and my babe.”
“Not from the Templars.”
“They are only men.”
“You’re wrong, they’re not like—” He inhaled sharply as she rolled against him. “Get away,” he said through his teeth.
His flesh was hot and burning against her own, but his muscles were still locked and knotted. He had to break. She could not stand this. “Besides, you may not find me so easy to get with child. Nicholas used my mother for three years before she bore me. I’ll be here only a few more weeks.”
He turned his head and looked at her. He said thickly, “If I touch you now, I may not leave your