Mao's Last Dancer - Li Cunxin [50]
My confrontation with Teacher Gao was the first time in my life that I had really faced a problem and solved it. The problem was like a real tiger before I confronted it and a paper tiger once I solved it. My confidence began to grow.
By the beginning of June, every class was preparing for the midyear exams. The third and fourth years were especially crucial because teachers would select students as their “talents” to spend most of their time and attention on. The exams were always nerve-racking, with twenty or thirty teachers and school officials, plus thirty or forty students sitting in front of us. In this third year, and for the first time in my ballet exam, some teachers began to notice me, especially Zhang Shu, the head of the ballet department. Teacher Xiao came to me after that exam and said, “Cunxin, well done, I’m proud of you. Your diligent work for the past six months has paid off.”
After lunch that afternoon, while everyone was taking their naps, I quietly slipped into one of the studios and started to practice my split jumps for our Beijing Opera Movement exam. I had such problems with this step. We had to jump into a split on the floor and bounce right back up again, without using our hands. Half the class could do it and the other half couldn’t. I couldn’t. But I had to. I’d given Teacher Gao my word.
I started to practice. Suddenly I discovered something. Even before I started jumping into the split, my hands were subconsciously preparing to protect me. My lack of self-confidence didn’t give my body a chance. So I tried putting my hands behind my head when jumping into the split. My body kept falling to the side, so I turned my front leg out and my balance was corrected. Next I turned my attention to bouncing up from the split position without using my hands. This was far more difficult to overcome. Every time I did it I would feel nothing but pain in my hamstrings and I couldn’t find the right muscles to get me up again. I simply had to use my hands.
After many tries I still hadn’t made any progress. But I kept telling myself, “I’ve given Teacher Gao my word!”
The pain in my hamstrings increased and so did my frustration. I was angry with myself. “Stupid you!” I screamed. “Why can’t you figure this out?”
I went to the barre and banged my hand on it. The barre shook and vibrated in protest. “Yes, you might be able to help,” I told the barre. I held on to it with both hands and did my split jumps underneath. At first, I used my arms to pull me up from the split position. Gradually I relied on my arms less and less. Eventually, I discovered which muscles in my legs were useful and when my hands were finally off the barre I had made my breakthrough.
I was overjoyed. I ran to the center of the studio, jumped into the split and bounced up again, into the split and up. Even the hamstring pain was bearable now. I couldn’t believe I had done it.
Then, in my soaking wet practice clothes, I flew down the stairs and quietly slipped back into our dormitory.
In the exam that afternoon, after I successfully completed the split jumps, Gao Dakun’s face showed utter disbelief. I smiled to myself in triumph.
My improvements and small achievements over the next few months were like winning battles in a war. I worked harder in all my classes. Teacher Gao treated me with respect now.
From then on my confidence grew and grew. My exam grades improved remarkably. Teacher Xiao gave me a “good” grade and even Gao gave me an “above average.” But I knew there was still much more to do. I wanted to be among the top students in my class. I wasn’t sure how long this would take but I knew I would get there eventually. I had the archer’s image from Teacher Xiao’s fable stored firmly in my mind.
Teacher Xiao also went to Qingdao for a few days that New Year’s holiday, and paid a surprise visit to my family, driven by the desire to know his students’ families better.
He arrived at our house just as we were about to have lunch. The special New Year food had been