Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [49]
Nineteen
Setting limits
This week has been a theme of letting go, of cleaning out the old so the new can come in. Tomorrow is spring equinox so I've been cleaning on the physical, as well as in my life.
I've been very good as supporting others, including them in activities, writing about other events in my newsletters and recommending other therapists and courses. They have taken so much space there wasn't much left for me. Time for a change. Focus on me. The last newsletter I sent out I focused on just me. No news about global meditations or my friends' courses. Just me.
I have a friend who has been chewing on the same problem for a very long time. She tackles one and another pops up - but it's always the same theme. She says it never seems to end and she never seems to get to the stuff she really wants to do. I've tried being supportive, encouraging her to let the emotions out, offering help with the solution. And I know I'm not the only one who questions what she is doing. You know how it's always easier to see someone else's problem. I too have issues that I chew on, and then I get sick of myself and find a way to shift the focus or do something more constructive with my time.
I wanted to find a better way to say to my friend, “I don't want to listen to the same issue over and over.” It seems no matter what I say, she just keeps going. Ok, it's not my job to fix her, but as I get to spend time with her I need to have a tool that works to shift the focus. I'm sure you've all been or are in situations where it's not possible to remove yourself from the situation. It may be a colleague or a close relative.
I remember the first time I used the phrase, “you've told me this several times before, is there something new you want to tell me about it?” The person hung up on me. Then our relationship changed and I no longer had to listen to long harangues. Setting limits. Learning to set limits in a good way. We don't help another by standing there and letting them go on and on ad nauseum. All they are doing is feeding the problem, giving energy to their misery. I don't want to waste my life energy listening to it and I hope my friends tell me to shut up if I chew and stew over the same thing without making progress.
I do believe we need to experience the problem emotionally, to really let the hurt out, feeling it deep in our cells and expressing our feelings. Then let it go, do something else and eventually new solutions pop in.
Yes, I know, it's easier said than done. Letting go is one of the hardest skills to learn. But necessary and essential.
A friend shared with me a gentle approach to stop course participants from taking up all the air space in a sharing circle. In her shamanic training, there was a woman who did just that. The leader gently stopped her and said, “I'm going to give you something you probably have never had - a limit.” Learning to set boundaries is part of our earth plane lessons. Sometimes you have to be rude to get the message across. After all, who is the most important person in your life?
Anger
At least one therapy school teaches that anger is a secondary emotion. What they are saying is that anger covers another emotion; like hurt or guilt or fear. I agree that can be the case. But then there is pure anger. Right use of anger can be very healing, in setting limits, being true to our emotions and ourselves. Some people believe it's not spiritual to be angry. I believe that all emotions have to be allowed, not just the sweet ones.
Ok, we need to be cognizant and not just spew old anger out all over