Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [50]
I notice that my friends who let their emotions fly and who also are ok with their friends losing control, seem to have much healthier relationships. I too feel more comfortable being out of control when I'm with them. I don't think it's healthy to always have to think about how you should act responsibly. So if you feel inhibited in letting it fly, that may be just the thing you need to allow yourself to do. Conversely, if you have no restraint, check out the other side for a while.
I used to think I had no anger. I never felt angry, I smiled most of the time. But lots of people would get angry with me, and the level of unloading was pretty vicious. In therapy, I discovered I had tons of anger, murderous anger and rage that had never been allowed to be expressed. Freeing all that energy up lifted my chronic fatigue, normalized my low blood pressure and eliminated the low blood sugar or hypoglycemia I had been troubled with for years.
Who am I?
I seem to be going through an identity crisis. Who I thought I was, what I have identified myself with, may no longer be true. I question everything. I wrote two books, does that make me a writer? I paint and people tell me I have talent, does that make me a painter or an artist? I did career and for a long time that was my identity. I only recently uncovered the deep hurt when I was let go from my job and career. I had poured my soul into my work and it wasn't of value? Gee, that hurt. A lot.
And sending the letter to my male friend, I don't know what we are about but let's find out. So who am I then? If sex is not on the agenda, then what do we do? I find that even scarier. I know and feel comfortable in the role where we feel attraction and jump into bed together. But is that my identity and if I take that away then who am I?
I was lying in bed pondering this. I think I am a planner and organizer. I have prided myself on being really good at it. What if that isn't who I am?
I've always claimed I can only be interested in one man at a time. I am monogamous. What if that isn't true?
I realize all the assumptions, rules and mental constructs only limit me to being present in the now.
I do the experience, but it's not my identity. When I paint or dance I become the process. I think I am being trained to live life in that way. I am the love and the life energy. I do the roles, but they aren't my identity. In doing the Play with Possibilities group I was free to try and experiment because I had no ego tied up in proving that I was a good leader or facilitator. Well, maybe just a tad. Of course I was pleased when people liked what I had done.
Letting ourselves fail, to experiment, to live life without attachment to the outcome. To risk, to grow.
I have always thought of myself as not competitive. What if that isn't true either? I can see all these limits I have swallowed as part of enculturation and taking on standard beliefs. Having lived in different countries with different norms and attitudes has helped to loosen my thinking, to loosen a chink in the armor. Boy do we need it! We have no idea how rigid our thought patterns are and how automatic our assumptions are about things.
Giving myself permission to not have sex, to let go of the assumption that sex is a part of the get together with a man, has freed me up immensely. I don't have to know what it's about. I am free to let them show interest in me and I don't have to please them.
In pondering what I really want and stating that clearly, I felt very confused. What do I want? Where am I going and why? What do I do when I get there? What is the Divine plan? What comes, is that I can only decide in the