Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [51]
Instead of presenting myself as a writer, I say I have written two books. Whenever I speak to someone I don't have to drag all my past into it. I can be present here and now and deal with what is here. This last weekend a few of my friends joined the painting group I have been part of for several years. We have been the same constellation since our startup, so in a way it was a big deal to take in new blood. But they fit right in. All three newcomers said they felt like they had already been part of the group for a long time. On the way home I suggested that in the fall perhaps we could form our own group locally. “No we like this group,” they responded in unison. Fall is a long way off. I have a habit of projecting into the future, seeing possibilities. At times it takes me out of being here and now and doing the experience that is happening now.
And that's another thing. I take responsibility for making sure stuff happens. I organize groups, I call around, I include everyone and I pass information along. Sure it's nice, but nobody pays me to do this. I need to get clear on when I do it because I really want to and when I do it out of habit. I seem to want to create something that lasts, but it seldom works out that way. A great way for the universe to teach me to be here and now. That life is change.
I friend of mine got married, again. This was a few years ago. She was really skittish. What if it didn't work out? She had already been married two or three times and they hadn't worked out. Why do we assume that just because a marriage ends that “it didn't work out?” Why can't we look at it in the true context - we were done. We came together and had the experience we were meant to have and now it's time to move on. Anyway, my friend's spouse to be said “would it be easier if you thought of it as I may get married a hundred times?” That did it! She could see the ludicrous in limiting herself to the number of experiences.
We have so many judgments of this is good and that is bad. It used to be that having a job for life was good. We've had to toss that idea out the window. I think the same is happening with everything in the world. Piece by piece all our old assumptions, behavior patterns and identities are being put to the test. The old structures that no longer serve us are coming apart at the seam. And it is good.
So who am I? Good question. It's time to crawl back into bed at 5am.
Cornucopia
A month ago I bought the Statue of Liberty charm for my bracelet. I like to think of the symbol as the Goddess of Freedom, as she is known in Swedish. Sure enough, issues about freedom have surfaced and percolated and rearranged my outlook. Last weekend I bought another charm - Cornucopia - abundance, flow, riches...
And the issues come flying in - one of the responses to my Paint without Purpose course came from a contact in Ottawa. He offered to help scout out book signing opportunities for me. This morning I was reflecting on that and how nice it felt to be supported. One of my things is cooperation and mutual support. But mostly it's me that cooperates and supports and I truly have had very little experience of being supported. What's become clear lately is how much I show up for others, take charge of arrangements, make contact, bring information, recommend people. I'm not saying I shouldn't do those things but I've been putting it in a new perspective. It's not a given that it's up to me to organize things. For example if our painting group wants to do an exhibition or go on an art tour to Berlin, it's not necessarily me that needs to make sure it happens. I can toss out the idea and if it's worth doing someone else will get on the bandwagon with me. Typically