Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [53]
I quite openly state I want a man. What's so odd about that, except we don't usually state it so clearly? We tend not to say it at all, keeping our hopes quiet. Well, if I were unemployed no one would think it strange if I say I want a job. But being honest about wanting a man seems to scare people.
Anyway I had this man friend who potentially could be a lover, a relationship, a colleague, a therapy connection and/or a friend. At the moment he has a girlfriend and he and I are friends. We chat for hours about everything, not very often, but when we do we seem to cover a lot of ground. One woman friend in particular had trouble getting her head around me being friends with a man I was interested in beyond friendship. She was horrified that I had laid my cards on the table and told him I was interested. Well why not? Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
She kept ragging on me about not getting my hopes up, and she wondered if I was really meant to have a relationship at all. It seemed to her I was meant to be independent. Well to me relationship does not mean that you have to give up who you are. On the contrary, I believe that the more you are yourself the more love can flourish.
Ok, so here is my woman friend with all her fears and beliefs percolating about relationships. Instead of having a dialogue about the beliefs and emotions stirred, she imposes her beliefs on me, not realizing it's her beliefs but thinking it is how things should be.
How often don't we do that? We assume we have the truth with a capital T and insist that others also adopt our solution. It's another form of emotional pollution.
Interference and sabotage
When fears are stirred and jealousy rears it ugly head it's not unusual for interference and sabotage to occur. It may or may not be conscious. Your well-meaning family or friends tell you that the man you are interested in, “doesn't see you that way, dear.” Or they don't tell you he called. Or they tell him that you have someone else. The scenarios are endless and can really get in the way.
Up until quite recently I had assumed that when someone unloads on you, they are coming from the unhealed part of themselves, but that deep down they don't mean to hurt you. I've had to revise my understanding. In healing sessions I have gone back and been confronted with the painful truth that they did know what they were doing and yes they wanted to hurt me. It's hard to accept that deep down the person you were with really hated you. They only pretended to love you so they could manipulate and torture you. Some of them were jealous and some of them just wanted to make me hurt, out of spite and hate. It's a really yucky place to be, and it did not feel good to go there.
One workshop I was at, there was a woman who shared that she enjoyed hurting people. At the time I felt horrified. Now I must say I admire her courage and honesty in telling the truth. By admitting to herself and openly talking about it to others she began the healing journey. You can't heal what you won't let yourself look at or admit.
Another issue I hadn't been able to release was trusting my own intuition. I would sense one thing and the other person would say it is not so. I hadn't wanted to look at that they were deliberately lying, for their own gains. They weren't interested in the truth. It's hard enough to be lied to, it's a painful realization to be lied to by people who say they care for you. Love and lying don't go together. Lies come from fear.
What is really going on?
Continuing the theme of interference from well meaning friends, I am reminded of another incident. I was traveling with a woman friend of mine and we had stopped for lunch. As we were sitting outside perusing the menu, a car pulls up and out pours four young bucks. One of them catches my attention, big time. He is absolutely gorgeous, to me anyway, and he exudes a strong presence, sensual and sexual. Lots of life energy percolating there. I say to my friend, “I like the guy in the striped shirt.