Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [63]
Is there a natural way to connect and learn about each other that supports seeing each other as we really are, instead of the fantasy picture? Yes, I believe there is.
I've pondered this a lot. I came of age in the United States so I'm well versed in the ins and outs of the American system of dating. To my way of thinking dating is not a natural process for getting to know someone. On dates you get dressed up and go out to dinner, the movies, dancing and so on. On dates you rarely do the everyday activities that life is made up of. I believe a better way to get to know someone is to do the things you normally do, together.
Here are some examples. If you like walking or hiking, do that together. If you like hanging out over a cup of tea and philosophizing over the meaning of life, then do that together. If your passion is auto racing, then go do that together. Introduce each other to your hobbies and everyday activities, include each other when you get together with friends, and be curious about each other. Who are you in your most natural state?
I knew one couple that dated the standard American way. They were out and about to dinners, dancing, the movies and they went to lots of parties. Once they got married, they quit going out. Why? Because the husband wasn't interested in being out and about, he really loved staying home. But the courtship process had forced him to do things he really didn't care about and he had to pretend in order to get dates. Well, once he was married he no longer needed to do the courtship ritual. The wife was dismayed, because she really enjoyed the social life and being out and about. She was disappointed she had not known who she was marrying.
What I'm trying to say here is that by not engaging in your regular activities with potential mates there is a bigger chance that you won't find out who you are hooking up with.
The other aspect of this is as you explore common and uncommon interests you can meet where you intersect and let go of the rest. There are many ways to have relationships and there is no set structure anymore.
One way to explore who you are is to do the exercises in this book. Alone and then dialogue together. Remember the talking dog exercise early in the book? Use it to dialogue and it will be much easier to learn about each other.
The important thing is to be curious, to play detective. Find out what is important to the other person. Why do they care about the things they do? How did they get interested in their hobbies, how did they get started? Talk to each other, on the phone, via email, via snail mail.
I know one couple who live apart for long periods because their work takes them to different parts of the world. They stay in frequent contact via phone and email and actually talk to each other more when they live apart than when they were living together. They say it's like getting to know each other all over again and has put a new sparkle into their relationship. When you live together conversation easily becomes about practical stuff like picking up kids at day care or whose turn it is to fix dinner or clean the toilet. Research shows the average couple talks to each other abysmally few minutes per week.
Another couple I know has throughout their long marriage made Friday night date night. No matter what, Friday evening they have dinner with each other, no kids, no friends, just the two of them. Even if they only go to MacDonald's, they spend time with each other and talk. Very important!
Other aspects to explore as you get to know each other is talking about how you handle conflicts. What you do when you get angry or sad. What you expect from others when you are emotionally upset or sick? How was your family? What was it like growing up? and much more.
One of the best ways to find out how well you get along together is to go on an extended road trip. Being in such close quarters for a week or longer is bound to expose the real you. To make it really exciting, go visit and stay with friends, yours and theirs.