Meandering Mind - Eva Dillner [64]
Bring them into your everyday life to be with you during your normal activities. Especially bring your friends together, see how they interact socially and otherwise. When you bring lovers into your normal life they may trigger your friends jealousies. If that happens, how do you choose? Who is more important? Your happiness or your soon to be former friend's possessiveness?
Expectations
When we walk into a relationship, we have expectations. Many of these are unspoken and it's a rare human who is aware of all his or her hidden agendas and subconscious expectations. If we can unearth the unspoken expectations, we can at least have a dialogue about them. It's when they come flying out in hurts and accusations that they are hard to deal with.
I think it's of value to think about what one is used to. Simply talking about how our families handled conflict, sickness and success. What was allowed and what wasn't. What were the basic values and attitudes you were brought up with and how do you agree or disagree with them? If your Mummy doted on you when you were sick and your partner's family treated illness like something where you shut yourself in your room by yourself until well, then you will have hurt feelings when one of you gets sick, because you have two very different images of what is supposed to happen.
Another big area that will surface when you get close to another, are unresolved hurts from the past. Getting them up into the open is the best way to move forward. Understanding the dynamics you bring into the relationships and being able to dialogue and work through them as they come up will enrich your relationship.
I would like to see therapy training focus on teaching skills for life, where you learn first of all how to get conscious and work with yourself, then practice your skills with the others in the group. You trade with each other and help each other grow. Can you imagine the potential in organizations and relationships if we were skilled in working with each other and could resolve ancient and current conflicts right then and there.
I have one therapy friend who is bringing this concept into her marriage. So far it's been hard work, but I think they will have a much deeper and richer relationship in the long run.
Speaking of marriage, it's an ancient ceremony that brings expectations and it's a rare person who doesn't go on autopilot when the wedding bells ring. There are unspoken beliefs that it's up to the man to bring in the money and the wife is to be obedient and so on. Many people let go once they are married. I've heard the comment more than once, “now I don't have to make an effort any more,” meaning it's ok to walk around like a slob and not plan special outings or needing to be nice. Sounds like they are heading for disaster. Would you let your best friend treat you this way? Let alone a spouse? I don't think so!
I would rather know
If my mate is having affairs, I would rather know. Goes against what most people believe, but I really want to know who I am dealing with. That's the whole point of finding out about who the other person is. Rather than trying to squeeze them into my idea of how they should be, I would rather find out who they really are to begin with. It is the whole idea behind setting someone free – free to be themselves and loving him or her as they are.
If you meet someone who is a notorious womanizer, why not accept that that